Yay hi hello Uhhhhhshgh hrmmm i honestly dont know how to start this ahah- ,, Honestly, I have had quite a few consecutive crappy days for like ,, the past few weeks,, I have no idea when this chain started, but I can like distinctly remember… enjoying school? Like ok hang on nobody likes school haha but,, I didn’t necessarily hate it or dislike it, I was just,,, completely fine going? Does that make sense ?? XD And like I remember back then I was capable of getting all my stuff done before 5:30, I’d be able to draw a lot, watch a lot of yt, and I’d go to bed every day at the same time and actually got some sleep so I wouldn’t wake up too cranky the next day — But ever since this one day that was maybe a month and a half or so ago that I ‘woke up on the wrong side of the bed’, I’ve noticed that I’ve had a bunch of days that just,, weren’t my day,, maybe 5-6 days out of each week. (( maybe im just overreacting they were all like little things that made me unhappy :skull: )) I think I’m just mad at all my teachers,,, I’m upset that they give me so much work / tests / projects all crammed in one week, like they forget that I have work from other classes. It feels like they don’t give a frig that I have a life (ish) outside of school, and they don’t take into account how their students feel. I’ve had so many back-to-back concerts, events, school projects, and tests that I feel like I cannot relax. (( which is partly our fault… they obviously can’t read our minds and be aware that some of us are stressed out or angry or whatever )) I’m also upset at myself for not being able to manage all this in a mature way; I find that I’m running to YouTube a LOT to escape reality and distract myself, but then that leads to my parents yelling at me for being on screens too much, and then that ends with me being like “frig i hate this im such a bad kid I wish I could do better i wish I could not be a burden to my parents” and then it all kinda spirals off into doom and that jazz ahaha- and i think this is starting to ruin things like my overall mood and sleep schedule and the like And I really really hate how unhappy this is making me — my parents are always telling me “You have complete control over your mood, you can choose to be happy” but thats obviously not true ._. Like I’m constantly unhappy and its literally for no specific reason, I just find that im constantly frustrated and stressed out (for example: There’s state testing going on at my school and my grade isn’t doing it, therefore there isn’t any homework: but I don’t feel any less stressed than I would on a normal week where I do have homework) Idk if this is just me but I absolutely despise the way my brain is wired: if I’m doing something I enjoy, my brain will go “you could be doing work right now”. If I’m happy with myself, my brain will instantly make me relive some dumb thing I’ve done when I was little (or, more specifically, reliving the moment that I broke up with a friend and how much I screwed up and how it was 120% my fault /g. This was literally a year ago and it keeps coming back, even though I said that I was done and I forgave both the other person and myself). If I’m feeling relaxed, my brain will go “oh uh hmm this isn’t right I shouldn’t be relaxing, I should be worrying about something I need to be stressed over something I’m forgetting something important” and I find that I’m never living in the moment because I’m so worried about tomorrow Speaking of worrying about tomorrow.. Ik I havent mentioned this on my profile or anything, but I try my best to be a Christian, and I know that God says, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:34), but because of how on-edge I am, and how much I’m trying to run from reality, I realize that I have not been keeping up with my devotions nor have I been praying. That adds another little mountain of guilt eheh Uhh i kinda forgot where I was going with this lol So the main thing I’m worried about is this: My orchestra teacher assigned us some new music that he expects us to learn in a week, slaps yet ANOTHER concert into our schedule, and has made a group of select orchestra kids to play an extra song for our finale concert, where we’ll be accompanying a bass soloist (one of our classmates). He apparently decided to put me in the group, and I’m literally so upset about that — Ok wait I did not elaborate on how much I hate playing music — listening to music is fine, i love it, it can be very motivational and calming, but my experiences with Orchestra and Piano have just made me hate all of it. (( which is so absurd: my piano teacher is literally THE MOST PATIENT person to live on the face of earth, why should I hate it ?? :skull: ))
(Holy heckk im actually rambling so much what the sauce) ok so my teacher decided to put me into the small orchestra group and that’s really stressing me out because a) that means I actually have to practice, and b) playing in a smaller group makes me feel much more.. exposed?, if you will I’ve been able to fly low under my teacher’s radar, I’ve been able to bypass their fury /hj and I’ve been able to go unnoticed, so most of my mistakes have blended in with the whole cacophony of flat C-sharps and whatnot /ij, or like during really fast 16th-note parts I’ve just been able to stop playing entirely and let the people who actually know how to play that part take over so I don’t drag them down with me. My teacher has already yelled at me once: it’s horrible because they stop the entire orchestra, point you out in front of everyone, they mock you, “get it together”, and expose all your mistakes to your classmates. They spare half a brain cell telling you how to fix what you’re doing while for the rest of the 8 minutes they’re letting everyone know how bad you are (when they yelled at me, they literally said, “See! The entire orchestra can play it without you! You’re screwing us up!”) It’s also worse bc I already set irrationally high expectations for myself and I am already telling myself that I’m not good enough, it slaps hard when someone else tells you that to your face :,) By the end of class I was literally ready to cry, and i do not want to have to go through that again, which is why this scares me so much :skull: Oh mah gahh that was a lot if you actually read all of that I have no idea what to say — um, thank you for listening to me ramble and reading the 90 bajillion page essay on my problems ?? I just needed to get that out of my system, if you actually wasted like 20 minutes reading all of that thank you so much <33 I’m probably just overreacting, I’ll manage somehow :,D TLDR: I’m stressing out way too much over orchestra and I did not need to write two descriptions worth of vent trash to explain that XD _____________________________________________ Coding: @-SushiDoesStuff- Character: Tsukasa Art: @F1sza3 Audio: OMORI (track 169) - OMOCAT (Omori Ost)
