[ENTRY 1] I am getting so tired. I am exhausted from everything. grief counseling isn't working at all. the note was fake but I still crush on her. I still want to be friends with Him even after everything(not hijh btw) and the 'thought' is becoming increasingly tempting each day. I can't keep going. it's all starting to catch up and I don't think I'll bounce back this time. I'm gonna be alone at High school and I'll probably be alone my entire life. it's only a matter of time until shit[post] hits the fan and I'm abandoned. I'm so tired. please. just let me do it already. It'll be so much easier. I can't keep moving on. I act all happy but it's a facade from the inside. I try reaching out but back out at the last second. I wanna fall asleep and never wake up. at least sometimes my dreams allow me an escape from all the arguments at home. [ENTRY 2] I keep messing things up. I'm barely getting sleep and keep sleeping at around 2-3 AM. I feel so frustrated with life but I know it's my own doing. I'm getting closer to the edge and just feel like jumping off. I wanna feel free for once. free from the burdens I have. free from everything... I wanna be in his arms once again... I wanna feel that comfort he gave me... why did I do it... why did I do that... I'm horrible... I'm irredeemable... I'm a monster... I can barely feel happy if only for fleeting moments then it's taken away to where I have to fight to take it back... it's like a drug and I need it more and more each time. I'm addicted, I can't stop needing it. I need to have a device. it's my one escape from this cruel reality. we can barely scrape by on money. we just spent 200 dollars on groceries that I predict will last us about 1-2 weeks. I just feel so exhausted with everything I don't even know why I try anymore. I can't get therapy. I have to hide that I go to grief counseling, I can't vent to anyone, I can't do anything, just straight to the bottle, bottle it up, I've bottled so much it's lost it's bottom. A drop of water in the ocean is rarely seen again. I feel empty inside. I just want them back... I want them all back...
