(Possible Trigger Warning) This is a vent, it’s not as important but I need to get this off my chest. So today this morning when I was getting ready for school, my mom came up to me and told me I needed to close my flannel. Well, I dressed very modestly and I’m not a fan of showing any skin, which I wasn’t, but apparently my mom didn’t approve of me tucking my shirt inside my pants. The reason why I did this was because of the style, it was cute, and the shirt had a hole towards the bottom so I was covering it up. Well I had a Jean flannel on like a jacket and she told me to close it so I would ‘cover up’. Now the jeans I was wearing weren’t even something revealing like shorts or ripped jeans or tight skinny jeans, they were baggy bootcut. I would’ve just listened to her the first time, cause I always do, but she decides to do something that triggers me. I can’t really explain it on here, but all I can say it wasn’t ok. It took me a minute or so to process what happened, which happened as soon as I left the room. I started getting bad anxiety and holding back tears. Memories of my trauma started to come back and I want doing ok. When my mom got out of the room, I told her to never do that again, and she started gaslighting me and saying that she didn’t do a thing. She even said, ‘God is my witness so I’m not lying’. That p!$$3d me off. I’m not stupid, I’m not hallucinating, she did do it. I’m not one to be over dramatic over the tiniest of things, and I want planning to fight with her. She threatened that she wasn’t going to take me to school with ‘this attitude’. I wasn’t having an attitude, I was starting a panic attack. Later she came out and told me to take off all my clothes and put on a skirt or a dress and throw all my pants in the trash and that I’m ’forbidden’ to use pants again. At this point I’m crying and the anxiety kicks in. She starts lecturing me and telling me what I’m doing is ‘displeasing God’ then shows me a painting she bought me which has a brew bible verses on it. I was getting worse and was having a hard time breathing so I told her to get out. She didn’t and started raising her voice and told me that I was ‘ungrateful’ and that I need to ‘suck it up’. I told her again and told her that she wasn’t help but making it worse. She got mad then stormed out of the room. This was the start of my longest and worst panic attack I have ever had. A few minutes later she comes back in and I’m getting clothes out to change. She pulls me into a hug then says, ‘I’m going to pray for you and cast the demon of panic out of you’, which didn’t help at all. (Continuing below)
(Read top first) My dad wakes up then comes into my room and asks what’s wrong, seeing me hyperventilating and sobbing in mom’s arms, (in which I didn’t want to be in). She tells my dad with a slightly irritated tone that I was having a panic attack. My dad takes my hand and pulls me away from mom. He rubs my back and tells me to take deep breaths. In a few minutes, I was calmed down a bit and my mom got ‘soft’ just because my dad was there. My mom left the room and my dad comforted me the whole time. I am home right now and I am still recovering. Am I in the wrong here because I didn’t close my flannel? Am I in the wrong here because I told my mom to back off? Am I wrong to standing up for my mother? Am I selfish for still being mad at my mom even though she said she was sorry but is still telling me that she didn’t do it?
