There are many times I say I’ll be more active, and I never follow through. I think as soon as life starts to get better, it throws another curveball at me, setting me back, making me pull away to focus on myself. I think what I’ve been going through is… something like discovering myself, who I am, what I want to be. I’m no where near finished with this process, I may never be. I think I just wanted to feel loved. My whole life I’ve poured my love onto other people, trying to help others, but it drains me. I’m realizing now that I don’t have to feel obligated to do everything for other people to ensure they’ll like me. I won’t feel loved until I am who I really am. I’m trying to get myself together, to follow through with things I have to do, but it’s hard when I’m constantly exhausted, please understand. I’m trying hard to keep to feet on the ground but sometimes I just want to float away. If I’m being honest I’ve considered never coming here, or anywhere, ever again. I’ve considered making it all stop. But that is not the answer. I’m recovering and seeing that you can’t solve everything like that, it would only hurt others more. I want to live a full life, to finish growing up, get married, have a kid or two, be a cat and dog and snake mom. I want to create art and go to work and watch performances and help others. I’ve finally started helping myself and I can breathe again. I’m recognizing what helps and what hurts me. I’ve begun speaking up for myself, no longer will I let what hurts me keep hurting me. But alas I didn’t really come here to talk about all that. Snake, Tiger, Cheetah. You guys have been my friends on scratch since the very beginning. With how I’ve been on here lately (inactive) I don’t know if you will even see this. But if you are, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’ve disappeared on our roleplays, and talks, and that I haven’t been there to celebrate your milestones and achievements, that I haven’t been able to support and care for you guys in your rough moments. I know we’ve never met in person but you guys mean a lot to me and I don’t think I can forgive myself for leaving you guys, and I don’t know if you will either. I can’t promise I’ll be super active, but I’ll try and at least pop on and chat and stuff, even if I don’t take part in roleplays or things like that. I’m trying to improve, and I promise that I’ll keep trying. I’m sorry. And I’m sorry this was probably so confusing to read too.
