trigger warnings : loss and grief a summary will be listed at the end ( scroll down for the srp ) “Remember all the things we wanted Now all our memories, they're haunted We were always meant to say goodbye Even without fists held high It never would've worked out right We were never meant for do or die” — Already Gone, Sleeping At Last Oh no, not now. Please not now. Driftdaisy was fine. He was perfectly alright. He sat in the middle of a mini flower field, golden suncups and dandelions surrounding him. They glittered in the faltering sunlight. The sky was of a marigold hue fading into rose, and fluffy clouds drifted across it. The sky was orange and the flowers were yellow, almost like- A sister. Two kits that had felt the leaf-bare’s cruel touch and were taken into the clan. That was his family, and he found a home with them. That home didn’t feel like home as Crescentstar entered the scene, standing upon the tall rock like Otterstar once had. Borders shut down, cats exiled left and right. Then Cardinalstar came into the picture, and things felt a little closer to normal again. A war brewed on the horizon, stirring up tension and conflict between all the clans, but Driftdaisy wished so dearly that it would not arrive and set fire to this somewhat peaceful world. He got to live normally, or at least as normal as he could get. He followed a basic yet sustainable routine: wake up, perform duties, wander, think, sleep. He was less anxious now than he was in his early warrior years. He aged with each day, and soon enough retirement would come, but for now he would continue his warrior duties and be as useful as possible to his clan. He didn’t know many cats, and he wasn’t sure if he could really consider anyone as a friend, but that was fine. He had a family, and that was all he really needed in life. Perhaps he had put too much trust into that statement. Driftdaisy took shaky breaths, trying to hold back tears. He was an observant cat. Look around, enjoy the beauty of the sunset. Sunsets brought him peace most of the time. Watching the sun fade past the horizon was oddly comforting. The stars would begin to show, and he could look up at them with a bittersweet smile. He had loved the sky ever since a kit, and although it now held uncomfortable memories, it was something he could look forward (upward?) to when the ground was too much to bare. But what are you supposed to do when neither the sky nor the ground is safe enough for you? Look around, enjoy the beauty of the flowers. Flowers were another thing that he had loved all his life. He took notice of the forget-me-nots on his body, of the bracelets he was wearing. Any scene, any territory could be brightened up with a few flowers. They were charming and had nice symbolism. He struggled to catch breath. The sky was orange and the flowers were yellow, almost like- Life was going well, ish. He spent his days being Driftdaisy: a warrior, a former mentor, a father(?), a brother, a son. Anxious, careful, emotional, introverted, awkward. It wasn’t the best, not at all, and he struggled with confidence and moving on. But hey, at least it was him. He breathed in and out. The sky was orange and the flowers were yellow, almost like- He overthought things a lot, from important decisions to the smallest of actions. It constantly felt like everyone had his eyes on him, even if the logical part of himself told him that wasn’t true. His mind was a hurricane of thoughts that never stopped rumbling. The sky was orange and the flowers were yellow, almost like- Could his mind just shut up for once? The sky was orange and the flowers were yellow, almost like- The sky was orange and the flowers were yellow, almost like- Please, stop. The sky was orange and the flowers were yellow, almost like- The sky was orange and the flowers were yellow, almost like- The sky was orange and the flowers were yellow, almost like- BE QUIET. STOP. The sky was orange and the flowers were yellow, almost like- The sky was orange and the flowers were yellow, almost like- The sky was orange and the flowers were yellow, almost like- Spiri. Spiritswirl. There, he thought it. Monarchflutter, Cinnamonsticks, Honeycombdollop, Spiritswirl. All cats who fit into that colour palette. It was just some colours. Some pigment of the eye that can be found everywhere. Why was he crying over them? The sky was orange and the flowers were yellow, almost like- Everything goes on. Why can’t he go on? Was he not good and normal and fine enough to go on like everything else around him? He took a shaky breath, inhaling the scent of the flowers in the new-leaf air. This had happened before. He had dealt with this numerous times. He was experienced. He was experienced. He was experienced. He should know how to cope and how to be good and how to not get lost in emotions and how to move on. It should be easy by now. It should be easy by now. Why wasn't it easy by now? ( continued + )
( + continued ) Driftdaisy breathed in, breathed out. Again. Breathe in, breath out. Breathe in, breathe out. What had he said to- to- to her before? That their loved ones were up in StarClan now? Spirit. Now her spirit was with them and it was all fine and it should be fine and it should be fine and it should be fine and it should be fine. She was fine! She had to be fine. She had to be fine for him to be fine. He would never know if she was fine ever again, but she had to be. She was fine somewhere, racing across the tall green grass and laughing with Ma and Cinnamon and Honeycomb. Ma, Cinnamon, Honeycomb, Spiri. Oh. He was the last one left. He had lost the last one he had left. They were once a wonderful little family. A mother and four kits, all with unique and different personalities, all with potential to do something great and have an impact on the world. There was the loving butterfly, the optimistic bee, the adventurous spice, the courageous spirit, and the anxious flower. Personalities that contradicted each other at times, but nonetheless blended together like the lovely family that they were. There were five of them, living together peacefully. The kits grew, going through the struggles of kithood and apprenticeship and warriorhood. The mom never got to see them grow, never got to hear their new names. Four. The adventurous spice got lost within the deserts, leaving behind his former life for all eternity. Three. The optimistic bee departed for the stars, no goodbyes or final words, nothing. Two. The courageous spirit was taken away far too soon by a disease, joining everyone else that she had lost. Now there was one. He was the last one left. Why did he have to be the last one left? Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Driftdaisy trembled. It wasn't fair. It wasn’t supposed to be just him. Ma and Cinnamon and Honeycomb and /Spiri/ were supposed to be here, having fun and being the great and complete family of five that they were supposed to be. Maybe they could’ve met Rem and Day too, oh they had beautiful hearts, and they would all love each other because they were all wonderful people that he loved. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Tears dropped onto the sand. Breathe in, breathe. No, think of Remembrance/dawn/ and Daydream/abyss/, both wonderful cats who had made him prouder than they could ever know. Three, not one. Three, not one. Three, not one. THREE, NOT ONE. His mind refused to listen. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. He forced his eyes shut, trying to breathe, trying to stop the tears from dropping. He and Spiri were the two remaining survivors of Ma’s litter, so they should stick together. They had to stick together. Now they couldn’t, and maybe it was all his fault. He didn’t know how, but in some way, it had to be his fault, wasn’t it? He didn’t care for her enough, didn’t bring her to the medicine den, and now the illness took her away. He should’ve stood his ground, dragged her to the den and asked the medicine cats to save her. It was always his fault, everything always ended up in disaster because he wasn't there to fix it. And now he was just being self-centered and arrogant for thinking that everything revolved around him. He scoffed through the tears. He didn't even talk much to her when she was here, didn't savour the time they had together. He should have been more grateful, should have appreciated their little moments. It was too late. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in. Oh StarClan, why must you hurt me like this? Have I not been good enough? Have I not been caring enough to my family? Am I reason that they left? Tell me. Please. Maybe he was the blame. Maybe it was because he was useless, always pitying himself and slouching around, never performing well on his duties regardless of how well he knew that it was important. He had gotten attached to everyone around him, and now StarClan had taken them away, costing him all his time and hall his emotions and all his thoughts. He had put his feelings in front of logic, and now it was coming back to bite him. Maybe love wasn’t worth the price, maybe all this time he had blamed the stars for his troubles when he was the problem, going around and feeling too much empathy and care. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe. ( help this is too long, go inside the project to continue )
