This happened a while ago, but still bothers me today. ꒷꒦꒷‧˚₊‧꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦‧˚.⁺꒷꒦꒷‧˚꒦꒷꒦꒷‧˚₊‧꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷‧˚₊‧ ꒷꒦꒷‧˚₊‧ ꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦ When I was younger, everyone I knew had some crush on a boy. None of them were very nice, but that will matter later. I was held back from preschool. Not because I was stupid or anything, but because my parents wanted to spend more time with me before I HAD to go. That meant I was older, bigger, taller, and more intimidating compared to other kids. This means that I had no one to look up to child wise. I was the one that everyone would look up to for support and stuff. So I had to learn right from wrong a lot quicker than other kids. This takes place in elementary school. Like I was saying, everyone I knew had a crush. I looked up to THOSE people because I thought thats what you had to do at that time. I didn’t have ANY FEELINGS FOR ANYONE AT THAT TIME. So as an innocent child, I picked a random victim- i mean boy and pretended to have a crush on them. When I told my friends, they made me confess my NONEXISTENT FEELINGS to this kid. The pure AMOUNT of EMBARRASSMENT slammed onto my shoulders right then and there. It was AWFUL!!!! That’s why I have trouble seeing feelings that others have for me, and determining feelings I have for others. Basically I became dense, VERY dense. I also became scared to have crushes and tell people how I truly felt. “I was the one to be the support blanket, not them, they don't need to worry about me, thats my job,” became my mindset for the majority of my existence. It was hard, sometimes made me angry at people and made me lash out for no reason. I hated that I didn’t feel normal, that I WASN’T normal. But as I get older, I realize that I don’t need to follow the crowd all the time. My choices are mine, and mine alone. I’m now dating someone and we are very happy together. I’m getting better when it comes to emotions and I’m slowly figuring out who I want to be emotionally. I’m giving a special thank you to my followers who support me in what I do on this platform. This means the WORLD to me.
