I was typing a text to my best friend Wanted to record it all in perfect detail Even back then, I was a prodigy at rationalization And I’ve only gotten better There was the news Great news; the best news And my whole face lit up like a Christmas tree The lights shiny and new, never having known the pain of suddenly burning out I rushed out of my room I had chores to do, but did I care? Nothing could bring down this mood I smiled the whole way through Nearly cartwheeled in the hallway Tripped on the carpet and did the splits Barely noticed the pain The ghost in the house— Oh, wait, it only showed up the following weeks But maybe it was there Why didn’t you warn me? Was it a coincidence you looked like I do now? How far ahead Could you see? And of course I wouldn’t have noticed you If you were there that day For my world was light And you were a shadow And those didn’t exist for me yet *** This next memory The next one I recall in perfect detail Was the fall The fall out of the sky Onto the pavement Scraped me raw Scars that never healed How can you be two places at once? I was flying in the sky, looking for you So far from home And they called me back I drifted down to the cliff, the wind deserting me Oh, it was a cliff I just didn’t see it yet Then I sat For hours Watching the skies I sat on the cliff Or was it a kitchen table? I played games to pass the time To distract me And then there was her voice A message And that was when I realized there was the cliff And that I was falling Someone pushed me from behind You pushed me And I never knew why I thought, “maybe the fall will kill me” But it didn’t And I began to wish it had *** The years passed The fall still haunted me It never left me Even though you did I learned there are many kinds of ghosts Not just the shadow who I wondered if I knew But ones you can’t see Only feel They say even after limbs are cut off, sometimes you can still feel them And I could still feel my heart Even though it had been cut out And one afternoon I was sitting in the dirt Leaning my head back against a tall stone Gazing at the flowers I tried not to think about how I never found your grave You simply dropped off the face of the earth When someone came to visit An old friend, who I hadn’t spoken to in a while As we had fallen out of touch How excited I was to see her! But there was something wrong “Just letting you know,” she said “I thought you might want to know” And she left As the walls closed in My vision darkened My chest constricted And everything faded away *** I was split between places again Seated at another table Listening to a lecture But also standing in the rain I had both known the rain was coming And been caught completely off-guard Oh, denial is a powerful thing, my friend Eyes watched me, seeing what I would do Would I go inside? Run and dance in the rain? But I merely stood there Letting the rain soak me through Growing colder and colder Because the rain brought memories of what it had been like to fly Memories I had forced out Saying that I had never learned to fly It had all been a trick Denial is a powerful thing, my friend We often assign the power to trick us To others around us When in reality, we ourselves are the greatest con artists And we ourselves are also the greatest fools We’re so clever in making people into monsters And so stupid in believing every illusion *** And I know this won’t be a memory Like the others One that I can relive over and over Remembering every detail But this was the time I went back And recorded all the highest highs and lowest lows In riddles and hidden meanings, yes But in meanings clear to me Time is a cruel thing She plays games with us Twisting everything around until we’re in a hall of mirrors Looking back and seeing only layers upon layers of reflections She lines things up so carefully All the essays and lessons on love And pain And friendships And broken connections Oh, they were all timed Down to the second And the mirrors she placed in my path A mirror image of all those years ago A taunt “Will you make a different choice?” When I don’t even know what happened anymore I don’t trust myself Because I’ve finally learned Deep down, We’re all the con artist We’re all the fool And we’re all the monster
