daily 06: the language of flowers ✿ ---- Now: Marigold I didn't cry when Pansy died. I don't cry now as I place the wilted marigolds upon her casket. I don't cry on the way back to our once-shared home. I don't cry when I stare at the picture on our nightstand, me in her arms, a smile displayed on both of our faces. I never did cry at the appropriate times. I cried the first time she raised her voice at me when I accidentally lost her mother's ring. I cried when she found it tangled in the sheets of our bed. I cried when she brought me soup when I was ill in that same bed. I didn't cry when the nurse told me there was nothing they could do to save her. Crying seemed like a pointless thing to do when she is gone and I am still here, at least the part of that didn't die when she did in that hospital on the night of our anniversary. I can't cry when she's not here to wipe the tears from my face and tell me it will be okay because for the first time, it won't be. Then: Buttercup "Come on," Pansy shouts over the crashing of the undulating waves. "Join me in the water!" "I don't know...," I respond hesitantly, what if it's cold?" "You'll get used to it, Pansy calls, already bobbing underneath the crystal-like water. I step into the ocean and hiss at the unwelcoming harsh temperature of the water. Questioning Pansy's idea to go to the beach during the early and still freezing springtime, I make my way over to where Pansy is splashing in the water like an excited child. She grins at me as I swim over to her, then abruptly splashes water onto my face. "Hey," I scold her as I blink the water out of my eyes, but I'm smiling too. We must have spent an hour there, playing in the water, gratifying both of our inner childishness. When we finally emerge from the water and walk back out onto the shore, hand in hand, I find myself wishing we could have stayed in the water forever, postponing the uncertainty and anguish life would later bring. Now: Pansy It still hasn't hit me yet, that she's gone. I keep expecting to hear the jingling of her keys as she opens the door and to see the smile that creeps on her face when she sees me sitting at the couch waiting for her like an obsessed dog, who's only thought is when they will next see the one whom they love. I keep expecting her to wrap her arms around me, plant a kiss to my temple, and tell me we'll get through this together. It still hasn't hit me this is the one thing we can't get through together. Then: Sunflower Pansy and I sit on a rock, one of many surrounding our favorite lake. By now, both our jeans are stained by the uncleanliness of the place and bugs are found crawling on practically every available surface, but somehow this feels like the most romantic instance of my entire life. It's a peaceful quietness as we stare into the still lake, and I can't help, but wonder what she's thinking about. I wonder if she's thinking about me the same way I'm thinking about her. Suddenly, she shifts to look at me and when I meet her hazel eyes I fear I may never escape the beauty of her intent gaze. By some miracle, I break my eyes away but am immediately drawn back to her lips as she starts to speak. I see her lips move, but I'm unable to hear what she says, the chirping of the birds even stops as if the entire laje has been put on mute. "Uhh earth to Daisy," she says and the sounds all come rushing back. "Sorry, I... I got lost in thought," I answer lamely. Daisy gives me an understanding smile and begins to circle the palm of her hand with her finger, a nervous habit of hers. "I um, I wanted to ask you something," she starts, eyes focused on her finger continuing to trace circles around her palm. "The spring formal is coming up and I um, I was wondering if you'd wanted to go with me, only if you wanted to," she hurries to add. "And you don't have to, obviously, I was just wondering and if you don't that's totally-" I stop her prattling by gently putting my finger to her lips. She slowly tilts her head to look up at my face to see my radient smile. "Of course I want to, silly," I say and she laughs, then eases her head onto my shoulder. We spend the rest of the afternoon like that, in silence gazing into the lake and our futures together. now: peach blossom My head is consumed by thoughts of her as I turn my wedding ring around on my finger. As I look at her wedding ring on the nightstand. As I look at the wilting tulips she got me for our anniversary because she knew they were my favorite. The memory of her holds me captive and I can't seem to break free. then: periwinkle It's seven years later and we're back at the lake where Pansy first asked me to go to the spring formal. We're the same, but also entirely different people after seven years of each other's almost constant company. GO TO NOTES & CREDITS
We sit shoulder to shoulder on the same rock as back then, and I'm confident our heads are occupied by the same thoughts, the memories we've shared since that day all those years ago; the spring formal, and then the fall formal after that, the sweet memories of countless days and nights spent together, but also the sorrowful memories of the struggles we'd each been through since being teenagers. Pansy turns to me like she did that fateful day seven years ago. She takes my hands and pulls me to my feet. Suddenly she's kneeling before me with a ring in her hands. All I can remember are squeals and shared smiles, tears and warm embraces, and the promise of forever. Now: Zinnia The reminiscence of our years spent together becomes too much for me to bear. I fish out my car keys from my pocket and hurry to my car. The engine roars to life, the sound welcoming to my ears and I head towards the only place where we can be together now. Then: Sweet Pea It's the night of our anniversary and we're heading home after a date night at our favorite restaurant. I slow and stop the car at an incoming red light and take a quick glance out the window. I see a field of rhododendron and oleander and then blinding headlights barreling towards us. I wake up in the hospital, on a bed surrounded by nurses. There's an unbearable pain in both my side and head, but my only question is; "Where is Pansy?" The nurses give silent glances to each other and suddenly, I wish I hadn't woken up at all. Now: Asphodel I kneel in front of your grave and I'm hit by such an immense amount of regret I'm afraid I may drown in it. What if I'd been paying better attention? Would I have been able to evade the car speeding past the red light? What if you hadn't been the in the passenger seat? What if you had survived? Why couldn't you have been the one to survive? Why did it have to be me who's still here when you no longer are? And as I place the bundle of dahlias on your headstone I at long last, them coming, tears, and there's no one to wipe them away now but myself.
