How to Defeat My Exquisite and World-Famous Corn Maze Welcome to a slip in the space of time, located somewhere and everywhere in the American Midwest! You must’ve already spotted My Exquisite and World-Famous Corn Maze! This is the prequel step, of course: to defeat the maze, you must first find it. Luckily for you, it takes up 98% of existence. Just look for the hot pink LED lights marking its borders and follow them to the LED signpost as big as two-and-a-half football stadiums. Done yet? I don’t care. I’ll just assume you’ve found it, let’s begin! Step One: Understanding the Corn As you trespass through the pearlescent gates of My E&WFCM, the first thing you should notice is how the corn stalks tower far above you, making you feel very, very small. Don’t worry about it! These looks are mainly to intimidate you, and, hypothetically, if one were to fall (which hasn’t happened today yet), you’d only suffer three broken arms. What you should worry about, is the whispers. Yeah, all that muffling? It’s coming from the corn! Here’s a little decoder to help you understand my majestic plants: HEWAUhasjkdhewaH - “You are looking very nice today” UUUeEueaeehg - “I remember you” GUHADWEhsda - “My sister has plans for us” WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH - “Hello!” (friendly) eeeeeeugh - “Hello!” (deregatory) Hopefully, you can use these comments on your journey! The Corn understand English and most Earthly languages, so that’s convenient, isn’t it? Step Two: Walking (Phase One) Go roughly 3 kilometers directly forward from the entrance, take the furthest left, take three steps, rotate horizontally, tiptoe for three miles and turn right. Step Three: The Squid If you followed step 2 correctly, you should find my friend the squid! He may look menacing, but it just means you’re going the right way. He’s a little possessive of the maze, so answer three of his trivia questions (DO NOT do four, it allows him passage to your soul), give him a banana, and you’ll be allow through! Step Four: Walking (Phase Two) There’s a compass in the corn two lefts from the Squid. Go north (1 kilometer), then southeast (3000 centimeters). Step Five: Olympic Swimming Pool If you find my swimming pool, you’re doing good! I put it here because it sure does get hot in the summers (American Midwest and all, you know). You’re welcome to swim across it (there’s a locker room in the corner), but I’ve also left a glass-bottom kayak! Step Six: Walking (Phase Three) I don’t know man, being completely honest, I forgot this part. Usually, I just follow my heart! Have fun! TRAVELLER’S TIP: Only two species of corn in My E&WFCM are edible. I’m frankly a bit shocked how many adventurers don’t know this. Please check the guide in the back. TRAVELLER’S FACT: The record time of completion for this maze is 11 years, 1 month, and 26 minutes! Can you beat this record? Step Seven: Hogwarts One of the parts of this maze is having to go through all seven years of school at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! I don’t really have any tips for you here, everyone’s experience tends to vary. Have a good time! Step Eight: Other Obstacles Frankly, I’m getting a bit lazy. Here’s a list of other things you can expect during your journey: Camp Half-Blood The Nile River Paris IKEA Marathon College Inside Out Headquarters (you know the one) Build a Shelf from IKEA Cook spaghetti for Steve TRAVELLER’S NOTE: TO BE FINISHED (date this note was left: September 1603) Step Nine: Walking (Phase Four) (Takes place after the New York City detour) Frolic for 200 yards but only after dark, walk 70 miles through the Glowing Corn, left for the next two days, right, left, left, forward, northeast, Southwest (the airline), then another ~4000 kilometers in any direction your heart desires! (yes there’s a correct answer) Step Ten: Finish What’s better than to end this guide on an even 10 steps? It’s far from finished, of course, but I’d really love to end on 10. So! After step 9, you’ll find yourself at my palace - stop in, and we’ll have a chat if you’d like guidance, hmm? Good luck, lovely! (Note: I don’t actually know where the exit is. We all find it eventually though, right? I’m pretty sure it’s in Los Angelos)
