328 words Hey Livy! I'm going to start with all the parts that I liked about your piece-- I thought the structure and format of your piece were really innovative and added to the despair that encapsulates the story. The way you juxtapose phrases and sentences is astonishing as well. I particularly liked how you juxtaposed how the narrator says they "wanted to stop breathing" while pointing out how "she stopped breathing"-- that was probably my favorite part of your piece. I also really liked the picnic scene! I thought the description was well done. Beyond that, the repetition throughout the piece really highlights the desperation of the narrator and adds something unique to the voice of the piece. Moving on to critiques, I would recommend you watch out for comma splices; I noticed a lot of comma splices throughout your piece. Comma splices are generally grammatically incorrect and can distract the reader. Furthermore, I felt after some point, the sadness of the narrator was being drawn out and started to get uninteresting-- while I understand the focus of the piece is the narrator's grief, varying the emotions throughout the piece would help keep the reader's attention. Additionally, adding more details about the relationship between the narrator and the girl can increase the emotional stakes of your piece. Without any details about their relationship, there's no reason for the audience to feel bad for the narrator because there is no relatability. Showcasing the highlights of their relationship before diving into the loss gives a reason for the audience to feel bad for your narrator. Lastly, I think this piece would benefit from some scenes that "ground" your description. The majority of this piece is abstract and not tied to a specific concrete scene; you can elevate your writing by showing the narrator's emotions instead of telling the reader directly. Overall, this was a great read! I can tell you have great potential to be a fabulous writer-- thanks for sharing!
