347 words Hey Rockie! I just finished your piece, the concept is very pretty and your writing style is gorgeous! I love all of the description and word choices you used, I'm quite jealous of your ability to write beautiful description ahaha. Anyways, the format of this piece was very innovative and unique! I thought it was very interesting the juxtaposition between the two timelines, and the metaphor of the butterflies was emotional and well-done. Before I critique, I also want to praise your word choice-- I'm not usually a big fan of the overuse of adjectives, but you used adjectives so well in this piece; it really helped paint a vivid picture of what was happening. In terms of critique, the main issue I saw in this piece was the pacing. I felt like this story maintained the same pace throughout-- there was no variation in pacing, and that made the story a tad boring in some parts. Additionally, for the sentence that contains "capture the very sunlight in her fingertips," it should be *on* her fingertips, not in (I would be concerned if sunlight was captured within her fingertips). Furthermore, at some points, I felt that the detailed description wasn't adding much to the piece other than to be pretty-- that's awesome in moderation, but too much can get excessive and distracting to the audience. You mentioned the zucchini plant a few times in the story. I felt like that was a nice touch, but I also feel you could have done a lot more with the zucchinis-- finding a way to tie it to the ending would be really cool. Beyond that, I would recommend trying to make certain scenes more realistic; I felt like the hug described at the end was a bit unrealistic-- having a frail dying woman on a bed (probably hooked up to IVs) hugging a pregnant woman, I think certain things would make that very difficult. I didn't get the impression that the old woman was terminally ill. This was a great piece Rockie! Thanks for letting my critique it <3
