You always think I wish to see other people hurt. To see them suffering. To see them in pain. To see them slaving away for my gain. I don't. I *don't want to see people hurting, especially not for me.* But you won't listen, will you? It took a whole mental breakdown to catch your attention. This is why I don't tell you anything. If you ever cared at all, you would've listened more. I'm tired. I'm so freaking tired of being shoved around by most of those I know. I'm tired of being incapable of expressing proper emotion, because whenever I do, you brush it off as me being sensitive. I'm so tired of being incapable of reaching out to you with the claws and fangs you gave me. Do you know why I'm so reckless when I am calm? Why should I care about how well I get by if all I'm going to do is *burden people with the issues that I caused?* I'm so tired of people like you pushing me around. I don't want anything you give me. But I do know that I deserve what you throw at me. Turning my desperate fear of abandonment on me. I can't even tell others without that *stupid crippling guilt* coming back to bite me. Making me feel like I'm stupid for loving her. At least you're telling the truth. Even though I hate you with all my heart. I despise you both. Even the other two. I used to care. I used to care so much. But why should I care if that's all I get in return? And what's funny is that I care more about them than I care about you. Which affects me so much. Because they're not even family. I don't know if they'll drift away from me in the future. Go on to live successfully. Happily. While I can't help but stay in the past. Wondering how it went so wrong. Why you fuss about the stupidest things. I don't want to burden you anymore. But I don't think I really have a choice. You chose to have me. I never wanted to be born. I never wanted to exist here. The only silver lining are those that truly do care, my friends who I can hardly really see anymore. And you know what? That's just really sad. But I guess you're right. I'm a brat, idiot, coward, jerk, and a piece of trash. One that doesn't really know how long it'll take before I snap. I don't know why I'm the way I am. Why I forget things so darn easily. I'm sorry for hating you. But I don't think I can control that anymore. I'm really sorry. But you still fuel my apathy. And that's despicable.
