ʚ goodbye, goodbye, goodbye ɞ

Instructions

Wow. It was never supposed to end like this. There were supposed to be letters and gifts and it was supposed to be in 2 weeks time, not now. Not this way. But I suppose things never quite go as planned, do they. I promise you though, that this isn't because of all the drama. It may look like it, but it's not, it's really not. In fact I've been planning this for weeks, months maybe. Well not this exactly, there were a whole lot more presents in the draft, but leaving, yes. I was always gonna go. August 31st. 13 days time. (Taylor would be happy with how things turned out hehehe :P) The truth is though, that all this mess has made me realise that I shouldn't be stalling anymore. I don't want to wait and it's not fair on me or on anyone that I do. So this is it, my goodbye. Origionally and still, the main reason that I'm leaving is school. I'm not gonna expose my age on here, but I'm at a point in my life where school gets serious, and so I have to too. No more sacrificing revision for scratch, no more staying up late the night before a test to finish a banner, no more trying to work and clicking the tab onto scratch every 5 minutes. None of it. The next few years of my school life are just too important. And ik that if I wanted to, I could make it work. Set aside down time for scratch, cut back on orders, take breaks where necessary. But I don't want to. As much as it hurts to say it, I'm loosing interest. Scratch isn't what it once was, it's not fun anymore. It's gone from being and escape to being the cage and it's gone from being a part of my life to being all of it. That's not healthy. It's only recently that I've started to notice this, and yes, the drama has helped me to see it, but it's becoming a chore. Banners take me hours to make now, and at first I thought my new style was just slow and I was getting carried away with my perfectionism, but that's not it, I just don't want to be making them. I do it because I have to and because I don't want to let people down, not because I love it. I've also found myself loosing track of messages, neglecting my friends, ignoring people without choosing to. If I have ever done that to you I'm so unbelieveable sorry, but it's just too much. I wake up to 20 ish messages every day. I don't reply to them because it's gonna take too long and I'll have more time later. I come back later to 20 more. Start going though them knowing I don't have time, someone catches me online, and then I'm in a full convo and there's no time to finish off the rest, not that there ever really was in the first place. I feel so guilty and i know that I'm letting you down, ignoring compliments, abandoning people when they need me, but I can't do it. Scratch is so demanding, it's basically become a full time job, and I've got to live my real life too. It's gone from all play, no work to all work no play, and it's awful. It's no-ones fault though, that I can assure you 113%. This is a me issue, and if it was just the people, I wouldn't leave. Each and everyone of you is so amazing, so considerate and so talented and you're all gonna make something incredible of yourselves one day (just do me a favour and don't forget me when you're famous !!) I promise to you all that no Jess, no imersonators and no swiftrio (even though we've been planning this together, I'm leaving with them, not because of them) could even make me leave you guys, that's all on one person, Juliette. I just can't do it anymore. I remember that just yesterday, when I was upset over everything that had happened, I told Ari that it didn't matter that I was impersonated, that Juliettes not real anyway, she's just a name on a website, so I don't care what happens to her, but I realise now that that's not true. Juliette is irl me exactly. She's the same people pleaser, she overuses the same emojis, and she feels the same feelings. As you proably all understand all too well, it's hard enough to look after one of yourself without adding in a whole other you to deal with too. So I need to cut Juliette out and focus on the me that really matters, the one irl. And I do care what happens to me on here, because me on here is me in reality, so all the hurt Juliette's experienced in drama, I have as well. So if I cut out scratch then I'm cutting out half that pain too. Sadly though, I'm also cutting out half the love. And omg is there a whole lot of it. You guys are all really and truly amazing, and I can't say it enough, you really do mean the world to me. So firstly I just wanted to say a huge thank you to each and every one of you who has supported me in my scratch journey, I really do love you all so much and I am so so so unbelieveably thankful of everything you've done for me. On top of that I have written a note to some of the people and groups that have really made an impact on me, and who have gone more than above and beyond in supporting me. (see inside) - continued notes & creds