hate comments. making rotten assumptions about me. talking absolute crap behind my back. i say countless times that i dont care but i freaking do. even if someone doesnt care its not okay. so to people saying i shouldnt be mad at jess and "bullying her" even though shes going through rough things this is for you to know that i am too. shes not the only one. ive been having a hard time adjusting - elementary school to middle school has been so extremley rough for me, its been over a year since i started ms but wholy the hw, cheer, its too much. me and my guy bsf had a rough patch where we didnt talk for like four months, even though we've been friends since preschl. that hit hard. i had the shiniest wheels now theyre rusting - art, ballet, track, band i all did up until the rough patch with my bsf where i was basically depresso but not on the outside, i js acted fine and told nobody. i quit all of those things except cheer, but i almost quit cheer aswell. i didnt know if youd care if i came back, i have a lot of regrets about that - this is for a lot of things, irl and on scratch. when my accident occured and i took a break for a week i didnt honestly know if people would notice if i just disapeared anyways bc my messages were dry asf that week, but im probably js thirsty for that attention or smth. also with my gbsf, that four month thing i desperatley needed to talk to him everyday but i was scared and didnt say anything to the point he thought i never liked him, bc i pretended i was fine and js acted normal pulled the car off the road to the lookout, couldve followed my fears all the way down, and maybe i dont know quite what to say but im here on your doorway - i wanted to just leave there with no explanation, no goodbye, nothing. i didnt tho, hence "couldve followed my fears all the way down" i came back to my friends on scratch (at the time i didnt have crd or p1n) they told me all of my cages were mental, so i got wasted like all my potential - i was and still am insecure and sensitive af. no matter what my big ego says, i care and i get hurt. i always shamed myself for not being good enough and eventually i almost gave up on everything and my words shoot to kill when im mad, i have a lot of regrets about that - most related lyric ever, irl and on scr i have a small temper. if im determined im right ill dig and dig and insult you until you admit it. a lot of the times i misunderstand things but ive already said hurtful words, words that i cant take back. people tend to see me out as a rude person who doesnt care because of this. if i ever judged you and/or hurt you, im sorry. ily. i was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere. fell behind on my classmates then i ended up here - my friends ive known since preschl or kindr have made new ones, adding those to our friend group. the new ones are toxic, but i changed myself for them. i changed my whole personality completley, not just for these irl people but for people on scr. i got so helplessly addicted to scratch and how i look and act that i fell behind on my studies and wasnt myself anymore pouring my heart out to a stranger, but i didnt pour the whi.skey - that four month self-hating depression era for me, was when i was really starting scratch, joining the aes com. i made new friends which i told my life problems and story too, but i kept secrets, lies to them (i did end up confessing those lies recently) those about four months, it was weird. i was myself around people but i wasnt? im normally really happy and goof around, and i continued that but when i was alone, or about to go to sleep, i would js lie there and cry over the things i hated myself for. i fat shamed myself even though not to sound big headed or any of those intentions at all im skinny. my so called bsf (not the guy one) calls me a fatty as a "joke" and always is talking abt how snatched she is compared to me. wth? i do cheer every day of the week, 40 minutes of pilates after, every morning or night i run half a mile and when we used ot have our foster dog i would walk him for a mile. im not fat, but im not skinny enough to the point its considered "goals" no matter how hard i try to change my looks i just cry over them and end up wanting more.
this was explained through the lyrics of this is me trying lol, yesterday i just realised how much i relate to it also ty for 400+ ilygs most important for people calling me evil : i just wanted you to know, that this is me trying, at least im trying - the first time jess started copying the mag and crap i wasnt online very much. i felt guilty and apologised to the swiftfie mag. recently she started doing the impersonating stuff and i had to go on a family trip. i wasnt online. my friends called themselves sisters and bonded and mourned through the troubles together and i felt like i was just crying over comments alone, getting hate comments alone. i got jealous that my friends got long paragraphs of goodbyes but the same people didnt even look at my leaving project. selfish of me, i know. i know i have a big ego. i know people have opinions. but if yours matters so much that youll shame me, target me, hate me and talk behind my back because you think i should forgive jess, dont you think its fair that people listen to my side? what im going through right now? im getting overworked. im losing my mental stability. at school its all, "laylas a player, shes just a 'popular' mean girl. shes playing with random boys to break their hearts." im not known for layla anymore, its " ____'s girlfriend! ___'s ex!" like shut up. ive never been in a relationship in my life. you know how much stress that puts me through? cant i have a freaking friend that i enjoy talking to without being shipped with them every five seconds? my old friends that i actually like are changing, my new toxic ones arnt people i want to be with. im with people everyday yet i feel so alone. scratch used to be my only way of escape but scratch is now making me cry. im trying my best to reply to comments, im not ONLY replying to famous people. if i reply to my friends first womp womp. ill reply to you later but i barley know you and if i dont reply its bc i dont have the time at the moment. im trying to gain motivation. im trying to be a better person. im trying, im trying, im trying. so if you ever called me heartless, cruel, crap talker, rude, and so on you know who you are. get your facts first.
