It’s hard to put everything into words right now, but I’m going to try because I need to let this out. A lot has happened recently, and it’s all been so overwhelming. My dad and mom have met Demon—my girlfriend—during a call. Even though it was over the phone, it felt like such a huge deal, and honestly, I was beyond nervous and scared the whole time. I didn’t know what they would think or how they would react. The thought of them judging me or our relationship terrified me. I’m still trying to process everything. There’s this constant worry in the back of my mind, like I’m always on edge, wondering what they think about Demon and me being together. Do they think we’re too young? Do they even take it seriously? Do they just see it as a phase? I don’t know, and it’s eating me up inside. On top of that, Demon and I are talking about possibly meeting up next summer, and that’s just another layer of anxiety. I want to see her so badly, but I’m so worried about how my parents will react to that too. I’ve already brought it up to my dad and stepmom, and while they didn’t outright say no, I could tell they weren’t thrilled about the idea. I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells, trying to gauge their reactions and figure out what they’re really thinking. I know that part of this fear comes from how they’ve treated me in the past, how they’ve hurt me deeply over the years. It’s made me so unsure of myself and what I’m allowed to want or ask for. I’m always second-guessing whether I should even bring up anything about Demon or our plans because I’m scared of what they’ll say or how they’ll act. It’s like I’m stuck between wanting to be honest with them and just wanting to protect myself from more pain. It’s just so hard being in this position where I’m trying to be true to myself and my feelings for Demon, while also dealing with all the anxiety and fear that comes with my parents knowing about us. I wish I could just relax and be happy about being with her, but there’s always this weight of what they might think or how they might react. I don’t know how to balance it all. I want to be with Demon and make plans for our future together, but I also don’t want to constantly feel like I’m doing something wrong or that I have to hide parts of my life from my parents. It’s just so exhausting, and I feel like I’m drowning in all these conflicting emotions. I don’t know what to do or how to make it better, and that’s probably the hardest part of all.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with Demon, and even though I’m beyond grateful to have her in my life, the fear is eating away at me. I know it’s long-distance right now, but the thought of actually being able to visit her from time to time brings up this intense mix of excitement and terror. What if her parents don’t like me? What if they think I’m not good enough for her? I’m so scared that they might judge me or see our relationship as something that shouldn’t be happening. And the worst part is the fear that they might make her cut off contact with me entirely. The idea of losing her because of something I can’t control is terrifying. I don’t know what I’d do if that happened. I’ve already lost so much, and the thought of losing her too... it’s unbearable. And then there’s my mom. She knows I’m dating now, so does my dad, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I’m constantly worried about what she might say or the rules she might put in place, even though our relationship is long-distance for now. I overheard something about the strict dating rules that my mom’s boyfriend and his mom made for his daughter, and it’s got me so freaked out. What if my mom does the same thing to me? What if she decides that my relationship with Demon isn’t okay and tries to shut it down or makes it impossible for us to be together? I feel like I’m trapped between wanting to be with Demon, to make things work no matter the distance, and this overwhelming fear of everything that could go wrong. It’s like I’m constantly on edge, waiting for something to happen that’ll ruin everything. I don’t want to live like this, in fear of losing the person who means the most to me, but I don’t know how to stop these thoughts from taking over. I just want to be happy with her, to have a relationship where we can be ourselves without worrying about what other people think or what rules they might impose on us. But it feels like there’s always something hanging over our heads, and it’s exhausting. I don’t want to lose her, and I’m scared of what might happen if the people around us don’t accept our relationship. I’m scared of what my mom might say or do, and I’m scared that Demon’s parents might see me as a threat to their daughter’s happiness. I just wish I could fast-forward to a time where none of this mattered, where we could be together without all these fears weighing us down. But right now, it’s all I can think about, and it’s tearing me apart inside. I just want to be with her, without all this fear, but I don’t know how to make that happen.
