I know it's a bit late to say this, considering we can't celebrate it together Almost 2 years late But it needs to be said because I'm the only one who can really say it Honestly, nothing much has changed since you left The world goes on, like it's supposed to And I've had plenty of time to figure out how to live without you How to live knowing that a friend is gone Vanished Like you never existed But it's fine I'm completely fine I would probably be even more fine if I knew why you left From what I knew, we were alright together We laughed Mostly laughed, not much else We worked together in Culinary We were both terrible cooks And now you've left me here trying to work out whatever your reason for leaving could've been Was it just too much for you? Was it someone else you knew? Was it me? Did I do too much? Did I not do enough? Maybe if I was different, you would've stayed Maybe if I asked if you were okay more often Maybe I should never have met you at all Maybe I could've prevented this Maybe not It was your decision, after all So why? Why did you think that the only solution for everything was down the barrel of a gun? I just want to know I need to know Because I can't not know It's too confusing, not knowing Why did you do it? Why did you leave me here with a void in the shape of a person? I'm stuck on this forsaken planet with hollow apologies Stuck with something that isn't pain or grief or anger Stuck with something I can't describe with words But words are all I have left of you Rereading your obituary over and over looking for something I know I'll never find And the world just goes on Like it's supposed to No time in the schedule for dead high schoolers The first day I went back after I heard what happened, they pulled me aside Asked if I was okay I could tell that the answer didn't matter to them They said they cared They didn't They gave their condolences because they felt they had to Not sympathy Obligation Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I went with you They say they would feel sad I think they would for a while Then they'd forget Because they have to I can't forget you But I don't know how to move on I don't know why you're buried Only that you're buried Under a grave forgotten by mankind I don't think I'm actually fine And that's alright All I have left of you are words And your sense of humor You live through me as I laugh at the obscene and the morbid and socially taboo I want to share with others how you made me feel But for now All I can do right now is wish you a happy birthday Wherever you are
