TW: Self-deprecating thoughts, I guess? I don't really know how to describe it. Just my mind being weird and crazy. If you're not in a good mental space yourself and you want to focus on your own problems, you don't have to read this. Sometimes I wonder if everyone I know secretly hates me. I wouldn't blame them if they did, honestly. I'm... not all that great. It legitimately feels like I can't do anything right. Whenever I do something good, or even just morally okay, I feel like I'm a horrible person and I don't. Know. Why. I mean, yeah, I held the door open for someone, but what if they didn't want me to do that? What if I accidentally got in their way while I was trying to help? It's true that I complimented my friend and tried to reassure them after they had some trouble in school, but what if they think I didn't mean it? Did they just want to be alone? Did they not want it to be brought up? Am I just being a really annoying bad friend? If I feel good about myself after doing something good, does that mean I'm a bad person? Good people don't do things to make themselves feel good, so does that mean that by feeling good about being good I'm not truly good? What if I'm just inherently bad? What if I was born broken, and I'll never change? What if I'm destined to drive everyone around me away and ruin all of their lives? How can I know!? I can't! I can't, and it's driving me flipping crazy! I can't *know* what everyone thinks of me, so my brain comes up with insane theories on its own. Usually theories that involve overanalyzing everything other people do and piecing together crazy theories about why they hate me and what's wrong with me and how I can become perfect. I was bullied when I was younger. Most people I knew didn't like me. If so many people disliked me from a young age, there has to be some truth to their thoughts, right? I have to be the one in the wrong. I have to be. If I'm not, then why is my head constantly telling me that I am? Why does it feel like I'm at war with my own mind? Sometimes I wish my brain would just shut up and let me have a break.
I feel a bit better after typing this out, so that's nice. A lot better than nothing. It's nice to get things out in the open. Anyways, I'm gonna go listen to the Crane Wives now-
