I've decided that it's time for me to leave the gaehive. It's been nice being a manager here, but as we're past the one-year anniversary of my smear campaign taking place on the studio, I've done a lot of thinking and I've decided that it's time for me to move on. I've found that I don't feel like I can truly be myself in the hive anymore. What once was a haven and a safe space, the studio has now become a place where I'm treading on eggshells to make sure that nothing I ever do or say, whether intended or purely accidental, would prompt you guys to harass and demean me in response. It sickens me to see how some of you have made this into a community where cruelty is so normalized, where my harassers are still allowed and accepted in the studio and exist peacefully with no repercussions. Some of them are even idolized by you despite all that they've done to me. To some of them, I may never grant them my forgiveness. If anything, it's probably gonna take some time. But what I HAVE reached is my acceptance of the incident. What happened to me was unnecessarily awful and, to be honest, a pure act of targeted hate that many of you downplayed the severity of (or even completely forgot about). But it happened, and it happened to me. It shouldn't have happened, but it did, and I can't do anything now to change that. It also makes me upset to see so many of you hurt others so freely, seemingly without any consideration of how your words and actions can affect people. You say that we need more diversity and differing opinions in the studio and that we need to be more welcoming to others, but you've actively contributed to making this a space that is unhealthy and unkind to innocent people like me who, by some collective decision on your part, without a true base in fact, are deemed "undesirable." You chase kind people away with pitchforks and you still have the gall to call yourself progressive. I won't pretend that I haven't made some of the most wonderful friends and had some of the most memorable and fun experiences here, but I also won't pretend that this place hasn't caused me to have some of the lowest points in my life- looking on as people discussed intrusive and serious accusations about my past and my personal life without my consent, having to keep calm as people sifted through my personal accounts and gleefully spread blatant lies about me, reposting things that I said without thinking in an attempt to paint me in the worst light possible, being forced to sit and watch as people debated over whether I should be exiled from the studio and treated like scum, or allowed to stay within the community that I called home and be granted respect and kindness like anyone else there. Now, I'm making the decision for you; I'm done being used as a talking point in your meaningless discourse. I'll cherish the good times forever- the times of title jokes and funny thumbnails, debating over whether someone's baking soda or laundry detergent. And I'm going to continue to speak out about the bad times as well- the times of identity discourse, harassment campaigns and ignored euphoria requests. Because I think that way too many of you are extremely eager to brush all of that under the rug and pretend that it doesn't happen. It does happen. It happened to me. It hurt me and it also hurt innocent people around me, and you paid that no mind. I have a life to live outside of this. I have stories to write, colleges to visit, friends to spend time with and vacations to take. Frankly, I don't have the time to be stuck in a place where I've outgrown the userbase- where the discourse is meaningless and immature and the community interaction is practically completely absent. I have better things to do than waste my time in a community that makes me feel bad about myself. I need to start actually living my real life, living a life that I don't loathe. I can do nothing more now than wish you all the best and apologize to the older managers that I did not achieve the things that I promised I would do in the 2023 manager elections- the promises of taking "direct action" on issues and making a more interactive and friendly community. My mental health had an unexpected turn for the worse in January shortly after my appointment, leaving me unable to contribute to helping the studio as much as I'd hoped I could. June just further sowed the seeds of doubt in my head on whether or not I should even be putting in the effort to help the studio when I knew that they would not do the same for me. I probably should have done a better job as a manager, but what is past is past. I wish I could have managed for longer than just barely over a year, and I wish that I could have had the time to work and connect with our newly appointed managers, but I don't think that I can take another year of this. And I especially don't want my senior year of high school to be spoiled forever by me not knowing when to say "no."
*CONTINUED* I do hope that you all can at least be kinder to the new managers that have been appointed. I have my trust and faith in them to make the right decisions, and I believe that they will make awesome additions to the team. But they CAN'T do anything if you continue to see us managers as some sort of tyrant entity of governance. We're not. We're teens online just like you that are using our own time and effort to be here and keep this place afloat, teens that you still relentlessly bully like it has no effect on anyone's mental health at all. During this time, I'd rather you not message me to tell me what people are saying about me leaving, especially if it's negative. I know I'm not the most popular figure around here, and I don't need to be reminded of that. I'm leaving so I don't need to be burdened by you anymore, and I'd like that to be respected. I don't care for what you all think of me anymore, that is the point of all of this. It would make me much happier if you all in turn spread my story; that you told newcomers about it and reminded people of how it all happened. That you told people the story of Chaos, a manager with big dreams who was the unjust target of a hate campaign. Chaos, a lone teenager on the internet who was thrown in the dirt to rot when they spoke their mind. Chaos, a single being out in the world who let their guard down online and paid the price for it. Chaos, a survivor of cyberbullying who finally decided that enough was enough. I probably will still pop back online from time to time, because I do still deeply appreciate those who were understanding and empathetic to me when others were not. You guys really made my experience here better when everything seemed to stink. And I hope that I can still provide some sort of guidance or advice when it's needed, just now from an outsider's perspective. To my friends, as well as the people who were kind to me when times got tough, I am forever in your debt. I can't imagine how annoying and unfair it must feel to have people insult and degrade you just for standing up for me. But you persist nevertheless, and for that I thank you. So good luck out there, everyone. Even if we've had our hardships, I still care about you all and I wish that only good things come to you. With that said, I hope that some day in the future you can look back on these years in retrospect and acknowledge your own wrongdoings, and I hope that you can grow from the mistakes of your past. Not for my sake, but for the sake of those around you. Sayonara!
