I should be used to it by now, but it's still draining being around loud children. I want to be able to be around then more, but it's really hard. I guess that's why I'm always with Luke. My dad understands (i think), but mom feels like I try to distance myself from them. I know it's also hard for mom, tho. Also it's more like all the time- Also one of my sisters flat out ignores me most of the time, so... I want to be a better big sister, but it's hard for me. It doesn't help that they look up more to Luke than they'll ever look up to me tho. They'd choose him over me a hundred times, and they have. So like, how am I supposed to be there for them, if they only want Luke??? Luke thinks they "pester" me "as much as him", but mostly it's just him. I think my other sister looks up to me, but idk about the others. Me and one of my brothers aren't really even that close. But i also feel like it's not fair of me to feel like that when Luke probably feels overwhelmed because of the other kids "pestering" him. Then again I always do that. Every time. If I think I have something kinda bad, I'll find some way to make myself feel like it's worse for others. Which means I'm in a constant loop of thinking I'm overreacting. I also get really paranoid about what people think when I say what's on my mind. Mostly mom and Luke and dad, since they're family.
Luke, if you see this, I can change parts of it. Also... maybe don't really to mom about it. Also... sorry if you find it offensive or smt
