End of 2023: https://scratch.mit.edu/projects/930478376/ Music: It's Alright (Mother Mother) WARNING: Reading. (and content that may be a bit sensitive) "Who knows what mental health thoughts 2024 will give me? Even more burnout? Worrying about friends? Panicking over my Scratch career? Who knows." - me 1 yr ago Copying from Self-Reflection: "No, this isn't a pity-party that I expect you to give me remorse and empathy for. You don't need to say something like 'Aww! Hope things get better for you! :)' because if anything it's going to be superficial. Be genuine." Cuz it sure seems we're slowly losing authenticity and integrity these days. Didn't have that last sentence in the original, but it's true. I'm so tired of seeing rage bait on YouTube. Not to mention, I don't want to be one of those petty people who whine for attention. I'm sorry if this project ends up being depressing, but I feel like I just need to be as honest without being obnoxious as possible. I'm not going to beat around the bush with a sad excuse of an intro, and just discuss what I want to. I know December's supposed to be such a "holly jolly happy time of year" due to y'know, New Year, Christmas, whatevs. But what I really want for Christmas is more...peace. Both outer peace and inner peace. Life just feels so turbulent and overwhelming these days, and I can rarely take a moment to actually take a break. It feels like nearly every other day I have to handle one more situation due to my stupidity. I did a lot of stupid things this year. I was arrogant, vulnerable, impulsive, and constantly frustrated. I pushed all this hatred onto others and tried to cover it up with being "funny" or "mature" or something, when in reality I was aware I was insecure and crumbling inside. I'm so confused how I mentally survived the first half of this year, as I just did annoying thing after another. I was a terrible friend, a miserable person, an immature student, just a bully, intolerant to ideas, among other things. I'm so surprised someone didn't try to kick my behind during those days. I think I managed to manipulate myself into not noticing those deep flaws by focusing on what was good about me, but now I'm considering both. I think the days my senses (partially?) came through was in summer, which is when a few things happened. I can't name many of them since this is going to be already pretty long. However, you can get an idea of what I was feeling with this project: I did think that project did help me in some merrit, even if I'm still struggling right now. As much as I try to dismiss my thoughts, my inner monologue is still telling me I'm a bad person. I like to pretend I've magically improved mentally enough to be better from who I was years or even months ago, but honestly, I think that's untrue. I just can't seem to grab a hold of myself. Everytime I want to do something, I just feel stressed and faked by what I'm doing. "Paralysis by analysis", they say. I get overwhelmed so easy, I overthink often, and have a lot of my things at once. I'm either worried too much about what will happen (i.e. making a project), or I think too little about what will happen (i.e. scootering down a hill). It feels so weird...I want to help my friends when they're going through something, but can't seem to help myself going through something. It's just so hard to shut off that voice inside my head. [Er..."life gremlin" as dumb 12 year old me referred to as] I don't know how so many people are able to say doing the "right" thing is so easy. It can't seem possible to do what's "moral" or "favorable" without feeling like there's something going down behind it. Like you're giving a part of yourself, or not being fully authentic. It causes confusion and unconfidence. It's just...a lot. I feel like I'm one of those people who prioritizes himself last, which is both a blessing and a curse. I think what lead to this was a culmination of what I wanted to be by the end of 2023, when I was still 13. I thought to myself "I used to be a bad person. I can be better. I AM better." But then I wasn't expected for the things I actually needed to do to be better, and it caught me off guard. I was taciturn and had so much on my mind at all times. I was also quite spineless and delusional beginning this year, unable to stand up for myself in a calm way or even admit to myself when something isn't working. Inevitably that turned into lashing out at the people who cared about me and it led to some moments that I don't look too fondly on. Sometimes I wish I could redo some of the last few years of my life differently with the knowledge I know now. I am aware what I said in my previous projects like this: everyone is imperfect, (especially teenagers) and we all make mistakes. But it's still disheartening to do bad things and let go off that. In a way, I might have a grude against myself. It's difficult and confusing to explain.
[This is the part where things are less depressing. I hope.] Nonetheless, I do have to say: I know throughout this whole project it's shown that I feel lost, confused, drained, self-conscious, anxious, among other emotions. Despite all this...I think I can still make it. After all, I'm still alive and finally had the guts to write this, which is much more angsty and honest compared to my end of 2023 thoughts, which were just delusional and in the wrong place. I've discovered there are better ways to be myself that don't involve all the nasty things I mentioned. They may not be easy, but their not impossible, and certainly will bring my friends less exhaust. And honestly, I actually think my current state is better than my past because back then- I was an insufferable, garbage person that was a toxic influence to his friends and too full of himself. If I kept that attitude the rest of my life, I'd be one of those obnoxious online trolls who doxx people. Now, I'm...still not necessarily an "amazing person", but I'm trying better and planning to listen. It may take a long while, but I think I'll be able to make it some day. Remember- if you take 3 steps forward but 1 step back...that's still progress. Things will probably continue to change by the time I'm 15. I may reflect back on this and think "what the heck am I saying?" Which, message to 15 year old me:...I don't know what I'm saying, in all reality. Speaking of which, I distinctly remember before my 14th birthday I made a joke about how "I always hate what I did the year before". 11 year old me didn't like 10 year old me. 12 year old me didn't like 11 year old me. 14 year old me didn't like 13 year old me. 15 year old me is going to have a FIELD day in about half a year. And despite that, I do notice that the things I hate for doing are generally a lot worse as time goes by. So far all I've really been is just had terrible social interactions- online and irl. You know what 11 and 12 year old me did?...Actually, it's genuinely too offensive for me to mention. So, before I go, and inevitably return in 2025, everyone-...all of my fans, friends, teachers, and anyone else I have admired and liked through the years...a few things to say: 1. I'm sorry. Feels like I haven't said those two words enough. I've been difficult, obnoxious, rude, and wishy-washy I'll try my best to do better, and I deeply apologize to those I've hurt in the past. 2. I promise I'll always try to satisfy both others and myself, no matter how hard it is. I may not be the most trustworthy or consistent, but I don't want to just forget about everything. 3. Don't feel bad for me. I don't need sympathy for pain I cause myself and pain I give others. I want to be recognized for my strengths, not my weaknesses. 4. Thank you. Everyone reading this. You're an inspiration to me and others, even if it's not obvious. Keep going. You can do it. ...and maybe I can too. - 97Scratch, 2024 (This is likely my last project of 2024, so...merry Christmas! My next project will likely be my 6 year anniversary.)
