So.. a vent I suppose..?

Instructions

TW: Terminal Illnesses, Mental Health Problems, Car Accidents, Sm0king, mentions of d3ath, mentions of n0n-$^1c1@! s3lf-h@rm, mentions of doubting faith. So, yeah. One of my first vents. I’m hesitant to vent on here due to me being worried about upsetting other people. Plus, I don’t want to be insulted for my vulnerabilities or faith. But.. I feel like I need to get this out. So, a lot of things have gone wrong recently. First of all, I got into a wreck a month or so back. Nobody was hurt, but both cars were totaled. (I think) We got a new car, I actually like this one better, so problem solved. But that’s not the only issue. Back in April, one of my grandmothers had to go to the hospital. She had been sm0king for at least 50 years, and she nearly d1ed. She didn’t, luckily, but that accident changed everything. She doesn’t sm0ke anymore, but she has Stage 4 COPD, which is pretty much fatal. So almost constantly, either my mom or my aunt have to stay with her to make sure she does what she’s supposed to. My grandmother’s health is a rollercoaster. It goes well for a while, and then crashes again. And the crashes are becoming more and more frequent. At the moment, it’s so bad that she doesn’t even want to get out of bed because her heart beats so fast. Once, she even forgot who my mom was. Possibly multiple times due to the level of CO2 in her body. Every time my mom tells me to say hi to my grandma when she’s FaceTiming, I’m worried about her not recognizing me. My mom has had to stay with my grandma for days at a time. It feels like she spends more time there than here, at home, with me and my dad. And when she does come back, she’s exhausted from staying up all night taking care of my grandma. My mom stays so upbeat and optimistic. I know she’s truly not. She’s as worried as I am, probably even more. But she doesn’t seem to mind it when my grandma forgets her, her own daughter. I don’t know how she does it. I miss her really badly. My entire schedule is thrown off, and being autistic, that’s a big part of my day to day life. I can’t roleplay with her like I do every morning. I can’t infodump on her about my random au ideas and headcanons. My dad works from home, so I’m alone pretty much all day. My anxiety acts up a lot, which it does anyway, but this is making it worse. I’ll make this short, but I have a stim that’s.. harming. I pick my arms. I don’t know why, but it’s satisfying in a sick, painful way. It hurts, but I kind of like it. I don’t want to harm myself. I want to live. I’m scared to d1e. But I’m numb, like the lyrics to Numb Little Bug. I’ve tried the Butterfly Project stuff to get myself to stop, but I know that nothing bad will actually happen to my loved ones, so it doesn’t have much of an effect. I almost never visit my grandma either, because the sight of her on the machine and on the makeshift hospital bed.. it gives me anxiety. A week or so ago, we thought that today was the day she was going to die. She didn’t, but that almost makes it worse. I want to see her, but it’s overwhelming. My parents couldn’t come to a Christmas party that my other grandparents, my Ninny and Papa, were hosting, because my mom had to stay with my grandma, the one with COPD, em extra few days and we couldn’t leave the dogs at the house by themselves. That really hurt. Plus, my mom is pretty dang sick right now. She has an 102 fever a few days ago. I’ve had a sore throat (it’s gone now thank goodness), a runny or stopped up nose, and an annoying cough. My Dad hasn’t been feeling too good either. My uncle has / had Covid, and my Aunt and her kids also don’t feel good. My grandfather in law is sick too, and I’m pretty sure my grandmother, the one with COPD, is most likely sick too. I really wanted to watch the new Sonic Movie on Wednesday, the next day that my dad is off work. But if my mom doesn’t feel better by then, that’s not happening. She said that we could go today, tonight, or tomorrow, since she doesn’t have to do anything except watch a movie, but I don’t want her to go if she feels like garbage. But I wanna watch the movie too.. Nothing is predictable anymore. I’ve grown numb to the news. I’m emotionally connected, but detached at the same time. To top it all off, my grandpa refused to pay for someone to sit with my grandma, which makes life more miserable for everyone, because either I don’t have my mom, or the aunt and uncle’s kids don’t have theirs. Luckily, he’s finally not against the idea anymore, but since it’s during the holidays and everyone is sick, we can’t do that right now. I don’t want my grandma to die, but at the same time, it would put life back into a predictable pattern again. I feel horrible for thinking those things, but I can’t shake it. I shouldn’t be mad at my grandma. It’s not her fault that she’s sick. But I am. I want patterns. I want stability. +