I don’t know 100% why I’m making this. Maybe to just get stuff out of my head or something. I’ve heard writing helps. Anyway, here’s the list I suppose: Physical Stuff- At night, I’ll always sweat and even get chills. This will happen through the school day as well. Sweaty palms and shivers. It never ends. I also think I’m a little paranoid? I mean, my emotions are super strong and out of wack and will change within two seconds. I’ll zone out and stare at something and either I see floating white specks, or colorful globs, or even whatever I’m staring at will have some colorful glow around it. My body will also feel weak or disconnected. I’ll have a tight chest, pounding heart, or fast pulse on occasion and my mind will pound and/or go to a blurry and my vision goes foggy. Oh, and not to mention the little wired noises here and there. I will also sit for minutes and let my mind give out or go blank for no reason at all. Memories- I don’t know or I understand why it is that my stupid memories are getting the best of me. Every time a parent or adult either raises their voice, scolds, or yells at someone that’s not even me, I’ll go into what I call “hide mode.” Basically I silently have a panic attack inside while outside me remains unfazed. Plus, whenever my little sister gets mad I brace myself and turn my back to her. I say sorry so many times because when we were younger, and sometimes even now, she’d punch, hit, slap, or tackle me. I flinch even when a friend raises their hand towards me just out of instinct. I don’t blame my sister though. But for some reason now more than ever I’m remembering the yelling, going out to get a drink with friends, the lectures, the grabbing, the threats, etc. They seem to just… haunt me? Idk. I need to move on. But with everything on top of friends, show choir, school, midwinters… it’s starting to feel drowning. (continued...)
(...continued) Other- I don’t even know who I truly am either. I don’t think my feelings are really there and I’m not allowed to feel them because the reasons are dumb and aren’t a reason to feel that feeling. But the thing is, I’m not numb at all. I’m just good at hiding my emotions and shutting people out and pushing them away. When in reality, emotions push and pull at me left and right. The reason why they come out in bursts and change so fast. But what if I truly am being dramatic? I mean, when I was in 4th grade I would get all boo hoo because I was a damn pick-me and I thought nobody was my friend but I was the weird kid. I’m not like that now, but homeschooling me up until 4th grade with no interaction with people my age before that was not god. If I could kick my 4th, 5th,, and 6th grade self, I would punt them across a football field. Showing my emotions is weak and weird especially in school. I got yelled at by a teacher in 5th grad because I was crying because I didn’t do my homework and I was scared for some reason of not getting work done or failing or getting in trouble, so I cried harder. But she sent me to the hall. For crying. Ever since that, I tried to lock my feelings up. Stuff now- I just want to sleep. I’m on the verge of loosing it. In other words, I’m tilting at the edge of my breaking point. So I’m pushing others away. Everything seems so loud. Too loud. The mere small chatter of the bus driver. The chatter in class. The hum and rattle of the bus even. I need help, I’ll admit that. But I can’t turn to anybody and tell them the whole of what I’m going through without anyone thinking it’s their fault, spilling others secrets, or making them so concerned for me that they threaten to put me in a mental hospital. Anyway… that’s about it rn. So... there's that ig.... sorry for the vent...
