Yesterday, Jan 16th after writing in my journal about wanting a haircut, but my parents wouldn't allow me I took my scissors and started cutting my hair. I only did one bang before I realized what I was doing and how my parents would react when they found out and then I spent the next hour stressing over it. I've been wanting to cut my hair for the last season or so. My hair isn't long, but down to my armpits, way past the level I want it to be. I've told my parents several times, but they kept telling me they couldn't afford it or that I look cute this way, no matter how many times I tell them what I want. My dad and brother have had two haircuts since I last got my haircut. I was telling them that I wanted a haircut by the time they got their haircuts. I'm genderfluid and my parents aren't really aware of this, but I still should have rights over my own hair. I should be able to cut it when I want to and choose what I want my hair to be like, nobody's opinions ruling over mine, genderfluid or cisgender. I don't care of I go to the shop to cut my hair. I just want it done. I've told my mom that I'm happy to cut my hair myself, but she keeps telling me I don't know what I'm talking about. That I'll regret cutting my hair. But I don't care if I regret it or not. I want to be proud. I want to choose what I look like. Hair grows back. And since I never see anybody I don't have pressure. When I cut my hair, I hid it in a beanie so my parents wouldn't see the ungirl-ish bang. When I took it off my parents didn't even notice. I doubted they would even notice if I finished the haircut. Now when I look in the mirror- unlike before I feel proud. Before I cut the strand of hair I wanted to scream and rip out my hair when I looked in the mirror. I felt helpless about my appearance. It doesn't look bad, but I don't look the way I want to look. Now when I look in the mirror I still see the sorta long hair, but I feel proud when I see the cut strand. If I stare hard enough I can see me. The me I want to look like. Even though the hair bothers me- the cut hair- even if it's just a small strand, it gives me hope. It tells me that I'm in control of who I look like. Some would see appearance doesn't matter much, but it matters to me how I want to look. Who I want to be. If I want to be strong, I'll look strong. It makes me strong. Even if I don't have six pack abs, I'm strong internally.
