It was nighttime. It was cold. Darkness had long ago fallen over the FlurryClan camp, and very few cats were still awake. If they were awake, all but one of them were outside because of the cold. All but one. "Don't ask me how I'm doing, I'm gonna lie to you..." A pair of yellow eyes shone in the shadows. A cat, apprentice-age, was still awake, and he wasn't shivering. He had half a mind to go inside, though. Instead, he stayed outside. The only reason he wasn't shivering was because he was focused on his own thoughts. He'd been avoiding this for too long, that was for sure. But that didn't mean it was any easier to think about it. "I feel the need to please my people, it's just what I do..." The cat's name was Infernopaw, and though he should've been fiery and bright and cheerful... right now, he was the opposite. They laid down in the shadows, blending in well, mostly because of how dark it was. Their fur was too bright, too conspicuous, so they'd hidden in the darkest part of camp they could find. "So dry your tears, I always got you, ain't as bad as it seems..." Infie's thoughts had drifted to Magnoliadoe, but now, he was thinking about... all the cats he cared about. All the reasons that he wasn't good enough for them. His mother's voice rang out in his mind. Not Magnoliadoe's. Not Flightfur's. His biological mother's voice. He'd only heard it once, and he'd never told any of his siblings. He hadn't told anyone. His mother had whispered an apology, then left, and he'd never heard her voice again, despite his pitiful mewling and whimpering and pleading. He hated how weak he'd sounded, but... who wouldn't have? "I can't imagine if I lost you, you mean too much to me..." Inferno heard her voice again now, but she wasn't apologizing. Instead, she was scolding him. 'Did you honestly think I couldn't take care of you? That I was actually sorry for leaving you? No, I was apologizing to myself, because I'd been stupid enough to actually try to take care of you and your siblings. I just didn't want you.' Infernopaw buried his head in his own fur, trying to get away from the harsh words. But he couldn't. "I'm writing paragraphs to beg you not to end it all tonight..." Next came Magnoliadoe's voice. 'I shouldn't have saved you or your siblings. It was too much work. I ended up dead, because. Of. You.' He knew it wasn't true. It still stung like the thorns from Strikekit. It stung like Scorpionpaw's claws. It stung worse, actually. "'Cause I know that you would always do the same for me, right?" He knew which voice would come next, mostly because it was his own mind he was hearing. 'Oh, why did I even try? You're not worth the effort. I've got three perfect kits of my own to take care of, and a whole Clan that looks up to me, and yet, I decided to try and take care of you too? You're too much work, Fernis. I'm so disappointed in you,' hissed Flightfur's voice. But it wasn't her. It couldn't be her. But he could see her face, see the disdainful expression she'd make while saying those words. But it wasn't real, it wasn't real, IT WASN'T REAL. Right? "If the roles are reversed, then I was fading away..." Then, a voice he dreaded to hear started talking. Gingerpaw. 'Infernopaw, you're just... weak. No wonder I beat you so easily in playfights. You're not strong enough. Don't you understand? You're just not good enough. I wish you weren't my brother. You're a handful, and I'm tired of comforting you and watching you scramble to think of things to say to me when I'm sad. I can talk to someone else. I will. You're not capable of being a good brother. Not to me.' Infie bit back tears. Why were fake words affecting him so badly? "You'd take my 13 reasons why, give me a million to stay..." The list went on. He knew he was in for a long night. Cherrypaw was next, he already knew it. 'Come on, Inferno, get over it. How weak are you? Being a hunter means nothing if you can't even defend yourself. Get up. Prove yourself. Or prove me right and admit that you're weak. You. Are. Weak.' They bit their tongue to keep from crying. No. They couldn't cry because of their own thoughts. Because of things that weren't real. Please. No. "What do you mean you can't talk right now?" Then came Ephe's voice. 'You're such a crybaby. I don't know why Magni thought you were worth it. I have a mate now. I have a whole other life. I don't need my kit brother crying and whining to me anymore. I've got a life of my own. I don't need you.' Of course they didn't need him. He was just a tiny apprentice who had no gift for fighting. "I knew I was a burden..." Then Li's face, and his writing in the ground. 'Why do you cry so much? It's so tiring. You get into too many fights. You're too much of a hothead. You're too much work. Magni's right. You're the reason she's gone. I hate you.'
"No one wants to talk to me when I'm really hurtin'..." Jollypaw's voice, and his everlasting smile. 'Sandflicker should've said that you belonged with Morphosmile. After all, you've already gotten two scars, and you're only eight moons old. Great job, Infie.' "And this is why I lie, why I smile and fake it all..." Then, out of nowhere, Skuapaw's voice sounded in his head. 'Why did I even talk to you? Clearly, you hate Morphosmile. That's insane. I'd much rather join him than talk to you. You're so... soft. You don't have what it takes to protect any of your family or friends. You /are/ a failure. I'm not, but you are.' "So turn it off, pretend again, that everything's okay..." Puppykit's voice. 'Oh, great StarClan, stop /crying/. I see why Scorpionpaw insulted you. Void was right. They are better than you. I wish I hadn't even met you. I don't regret what I said to you at that meeting of the so-called 'peace army.' You are a fox-heart, and a coward.' "Save the mental breakdown, save the tears, ignore the pain..." Scorpionpaw's voice. 'Py is so right. Inferno, you seem to think you're better than everyone else.' "Wait 'til you're alone, so no one sees you at your worst..." "I don't," Infie interrupted, only to be snapped at by Scorpy. "'Cause the more you open up, the more it really hurts..." 'Don't interrupt me! You're not better than anyone else, you're worse, so stop acting like it! You deserve nothing but the worst!' Infie wanted to agree, but he didn't want to be yelled at, so he stayed silent. "Every time I open up, I know what you'll say..." Vibrantpaw's voice started next, and Infernopaw knew he was getting closer to the voice he dreaded being insulted by the most, because it was so out of character for the cat. 'You're just so... I don't even know how you managed to get so good at hunting. Did you really spend that much of your time practicing? Pathetic. How desperate are you to be good at something?' Vi asked, his voice cold. "It's like you're so far gone, you think I'm insane..." Then, Sandflicker's voice. 'I can't wait to leave you behind. I lied when I promised to visit. I don't want to see you again. I don't want any reminders of the weak cat I used to be. I'm glad that Glorypaw asked me to leave. I will leave, you know? I'll leave, and I'll never talk to you again, and it won't weigh even the slightest bit on my conscience. I'd say goodbye, but you don't deserve even that.' "You said, 'Be honest,' and you just walked away..." Infernopaw waited in silence for the voice he didn't want to hear, for the insults he knew were true, or at least he thought so. Words he hated the most from the cat that he cared the most about. Otto. 'What, are you /scared/? Do you actually care /that/ much? Pathetic. Absolutely and totally pathetic. You need to stop crying. No one cares. I certainly don't. What, did you think I did? Did you think I wanted to be friends with you? No, I felt /bad/ for you. I pitied you. But you don't deserve my pity. You don't deserve me. I'm done pretending that I want to be friends with you, Infie. Sorry, not sorry. I know I deserve better. So goodbye. See you never.' "No matter what I do, it's always the same..." Infernopaw broke down and started sobbing and begging for it to stop. Deep down, he knew it would stop, knew that those words were enough to break him fully, break him so much that he couldn't be put back together. Not by himself at least. Maybe by... by Otto, or Gingy, or... or Flighty, or someone. But Otto was probably asleep, so was Gingy, and as for Flightfur... well, he knew there was no chance she would help. "Wake up, wake up, save up, save up..." Infernopaw tried to block out the echoes of each cat's voice, but he was failing miserably, and he didn't know what to do. He started hyperventilating, his heart cracking from all spots, until he felt as though his chest was just hollow. That didn't stop the feeling of his lungs squeezing until he couldn't breathe. "Just play the part, don't talk..." He felt tears stream down his cheeks and onto the ground, and he tried to stop it, tried to bite back his tears, but he couldn't manage it. He couldn't do anything. He /was/ weak, he /was/ pathetic, he /was/ scared. He wasn't enough. "It's the middle, miserable, dystopia..."
