28. "Wait 'til you're alone so no one sees you at your worst."

Instructions

"Wait 'til you're alone, so no one sees you at your worst..." infernopaw was so tired. tired of living. tired of watching. tired of standing by, helpless. his mother had left him. magnoliadoe had died. flightfur wasn't there, and he didn't even know if she was still alive. beesting was dead. he didn't know half of his family. how many cats had he lost? "'Cause the more you open up, the more it really hurts..." he hated urchinclan with his entire being. morphosmile had lived in urchinclan. he'd killed magnoliadoe. his clan was at war with urchinclan. beesting had died because of it. urchinclan cats attacked each other spontaneously. he didn't understand it. and now... now skuaear... was dead. dead, because of a stupid fox. the thing he'd wished upon morphosmile had instead attacked his friend. "Every time I open up, I know what you say..." what was wrong with this world? why did everything hate him? why did he have to be tortured? what kind of sick game was this? what kind of sick game had his life become? and who was playing it? was he just a pawn? it certainly felt like he was. he wasn't even a player in the game of his own life. it was stupid. "It's like you're so far gone, you think I'm insane..." he just wanted peace. why couldn't he get peace?! what had he done to deserve this? why was everyone he loved slowly turning against him or dying? he didn't even know if he could trust himself. he'd started to turn into the cat he didn't want to be. and he was terrified of it. terrified of himself. great starclan, he even had a dark forest mentor now. "You said, 'Be honest,' and you just walked away..." how dark did his life have to get before it just... stopped? before the torture ended? before he finally got a moment of silence to grieve without losing another cat the next day? he knew other cats had it worse. he knew he didn't have it that bad. but it felt like his whole world was slowly being ripped apart at the seams, and he couldn't stop whoever was tearing it to pieces. he couldn't do anything. "No matter what I do, it's always the same..." why was he so helpless? just why? he'd thought he'd be okay. he'd thought that because he had his siblings, and his friends... but he could lose them any moment. he just had. "Wake up, wake up, save up, save up..." he wanted to cry. he wanted to just stop everything, stop the world, so that he could cry. but instead, he fought it back. there were too many cats, too many potential witnesses, too many cats who might see him being weak. he couldn't afford that. so instead, he padded out of camp. "Just play the part, don't talk..." he knew it was nighttime, knew he was fine, knew that no one would see him. no one would notice. he hoped no one would, at least. once he reached the river, he stared at his reflection, nearly becoming breathless at the look in his own eyes. "It's the middle, miserable, dystopia..." he looked... angry. so, so angry. he hadn't felt the emotion creep into his veins and poison his mind, but now, he was extremely aware of it. he was upset. but he didn't know he'd been this... enraged. but he was. starclan, he was. "Don't talk about it..." it was time to admit that this was unfair. it was time to admit that he was exhausted because of this. it was time to admit that he needed /revenge/. on all the cats that had hurt him. calla, glorypaw, /morphosmile/... and himself. he would get revenge on every single one of them, he swore it. "Don't talk about it..." he needed revenge. he couldn't get by without the idea of it. he couldn't get through life without the knowledge that someday, everyone who'd spurned him, who'd hurt him, who'd insulted him... they'd all pay. "I give everything I have, and it's still not enough..." he got a flashback to when he was a kit. his first nightmare. he laughed coldly at the premonition. he had the scars. he had the menacing gleam in his eyes. now all he needed was the smile, and the blood. a grin crept onto his face. it was time for the world to get a taste of its own medicine. and he would be feeding it to them, bit by bit, death by death. "That's why the only thing left in me, is just giving up..." his grin became even wider, and he realized what he would have to do to get revenge on calla, and glorypaw, and morphosmile. it would also fit as revenge on himself. he'd have to join the smile cult. "You say, 'Hang in there, baby,' it sounds so easy and basic..." his smile faltered, and he went back to anger. would they be able to betray their clan, their family, their friends that way? really? it seemed nearly impossible. but... maybe he could just try it. well... maybe. "I don't need your two cents, maybe you should save it..." the plan seemed kind of idiotic to him now. but he'd have plenty of time to think it over. the rest of his life, in fact. he was sad. he was mad. he was half-insane. he was chaotic. he was tired. he was done.