voicemail: hey, it’s me. again. are you still mad? i hope you know i’m sorry. i didn’t mean to yell at you. but, like, if you are still upset… *beep* `````````````` denial. hey, ash, i’m back again. remember me? you denied for so long that there was something wrong with your head. are you finally going to accept that you are meant to be angry? no, i can’t. denying it all, and pushing it down, it just comes naturally. anything else feels like drowning. anything else just means pain. anything else makes me tired. anything else hurts my brain. anything else will drive me insane. well, that suits me just fine, ‘cause you see, your denial feeds me. i become stronger, more powerful, with every word. every “no, i’m okay.” every flinch, every shame. i am denial… i am your pain. wait… what? rage. my turn, ash. it’s been a little while since we last spoke, eh? did you miss me much? … did you miss the screaming, the begging, the crying for help? the chok1ng, the agony, the whole “being depressed?” now, remember… those are just the after-effects. i remember you. remember the issues, the horror, the yelling and tears. but please, go easy on me, for once in your life. show pity. i don’t want to feel bad, i don’t want to give up. sorry, not sorry, love. see you in a little, when it’s time for your t0rtur3. please, no. bargaining, better known as greed. let’s get straight to business, are you ready, ash? no. too bad, just deal with it. give me all your strength, just give it up. (greed, greed, greed) whispering, “it’s not enough.” wait, just… give me a moment to think. i don’t want to rush into anything. that’s your problem, it’s not mine. move faster, think harder, give me all your time. give me your strength, give me your will. give me everything, or else your tears will spill. it’s going to happen anyway, greed. you can’t stop it happening. i’ll end up sobbing on the floor no matter what. so stop pretending that you’re the one that can stop it. depression. hi, i'm back, ash. lemme guess, you're tired of this? well so am i. do you think i want to cause you pain? do you think i don't know how it feels? to lose everything, to feel numb, to break down until you feel empty? you're wrong if you think for one miniscule second that i haven't been through it all just like you. oh, am i wrong? you don't seem to show any remorse for hurting me either way. depression, how many times have you showed up in my life, unannounced and unwelcome? how many times have my friends worried and asked if i was okay, simply because you couldn't stay away? i'm not in the mood for this. leave me alone. leave. me. alone. i wish i could, you know that, right? i wish i could leave you, and everything else behind. i wish i could sleep, and leave, and never hear whining or sobs again. but that's not my life. and it's not yours either, darling. no matter how much you might pray to whatever deity is listening. i don't pray, i don't beg, i don't sway on my legs. i stay calm, i carry on, i don't give up. i may want to. but i don't. no. i won't. acceptance. hey... i'm here now, ash. i'm sorry it took me so long. are you alright? how can i help? you can help by bringing the old me back. you can help by letting me be myself. you can help by sending this whole forsaken country to-
Credit to google for the image.
