——— *Cry not child of mine scream not child of mine pray not child of mine skies are hopeless but the stars are still sun is broken but moon is silent nothing awaits you anymore nothing is something and something is nothing so make nothing something and make something everything child of Mine you beg for me scream my name into cloudy trees look for me in leafy skies but my presence is nothing for I have abandoned You but at dawn’s end when days are cold and night is all look for me and your love may not fall* Arjun closed the poetry book with a soft sigh as he stood up from his spot in the library and surveyed the sleeping palace around him. he was so tired of this of life and love but there wasn’t really love because nobody actually loved him they only loved his looks and his smile that was not a smile but a desperate plea for help for salvation from this hell that was pretending and pretending and pretending and he needed to get out of his head for once. The night breeze was refreshing, he thought as he leaned out the window, closing his eyes for a moment. Especially when it was so silent. Everything was asleep right now. He was free. He considered going home, visiting his three and a half siblings, (his youngest sister wasn’t born yet) but immediately dashed that thought from his mind. He wasn’t really a child of his father, he wasn’t welcome. He didn’t want to deal with snide comments and disregard right now, not when he was already on the verge of breaking. In a split second decision, the boy leapt out the window and his the roof running. Where he was going, he didn’t know, but it didn’t matter. He just needed to escape his thoughts, run away from his identity. And then he was in an abandoned alley, out of breath with no clue where he was or how he got here. A slow smile crept up onto Arjun’s lips. That was fine. He’d gotten away, that was all that mattered. He wasn’t the eldest Chakravarti son, illegitimate and a disgrace here. Nor was he the loyal aide and trusted best friend of crown princess Yamini. Here, he was just Arjun, the boy who had spent nineteen years on earth but still didn’t know who he was. Maybe it was time to find out. *love possessive greedy hungry evil. love takes and takes and corrupts you it steals your being until all you are is love until all you are is another object to be loved love was what captured Odysseus in the claws of Calypso love was what made Draupadi the wife of five men love devours the self and consumes it and takes and takes and takes until all you are is raw unfiltered being stripped of identity stolen from yourself love is not always true.* He thought back to how things used to be, the girls that would get too close, the false pity, endless marriage proposals, the “You should be lucky we’re even considering you to marry our child,” the “You’re lucky you’re pretty, Arjun. That’s the only thing that’s actually sort of valuable about you.” the objectification and dehumanization to his face. He took it all in stride, smiled and danced and acted like he wasn’t affected but he was. It hurt so much and he just wished he was someone else some days. Then he thought he made a friend. No. Atheria ended up being almost obsessed, she was insistent on him sharing everything, doing everything, following her, it was exhausting. Arjun didn't want to be wanted. He wanted to be seen. *Sunlight is not warmth is not bright is not reflection or light sunlight is a person sunlight is happiness and joy and you make me feel whole sunlight is feeling you belong feeling you are loved feeling safe sunlight is a firm embrace that says I Love You and You Matter and Many Other Nice Things. sunlight, my love, is you.* Arjun had been walking around the outskirts of the city for about a week, visiting all the places he didn’t know, meeting all the people he hadn’t met, learning about himself. Mini was probably worried, she would be okay. He couldn’t always be worrying about others now could be? That was something he was relearning. But after a while, he was ready. After a while, he felt better. Calmer. More sure of himself. More loving of himself. That was good. *There was a boy who was not sun who was not moon who was not stars or planets or galaxies too instead he was something different complex simple loving hateful warm cold everything nothing he ran and ran and still could not find love within until he stopped and stood and breathed and thought and stopped trying to hurt himself to help others for the first time he was free so what is he exactly? certainly not sun and no, definitely not moon and not stars or planets or galaxies too instead he was weightless, limitless, free and light cold and warm and dark and bright he was not one to scream or pray nor one to beg or cry no instead this beautiful boy radiant light and gentle might instead, Arjun was sky.* ———
Writing is all by me! Writing by @Celeste-Vacker I did a mix of poetry and short story if that’s okay :>
