Ok, nice idea. First of all I would like to say, that the idea is nice. But there are a lot of loop holes here. And lost threads, that get a reader confused. While I found it interesting, because my patience capacity for reading any kind of writing is as vast as the sea. Not a lot of people would do the same. To make it more clear, the general expression of a person reading an excerpt, a random chaoter or even the first page of the book, is something to catch their eye. An unexpected situation, or something like that. Which as what you did, great. But the problem was, with how you phrased your words. I could tell it was rushed. And that's not because I am a writer, but because any reader, looking for something new and interesting will keep a keen eye on what you write, how it sounds to them, if it falls under the genre of the story or not. Catchy words. All of that. While there is a certain percentage of people who like the [word-word-word] thing that you did, which i also do when I have zero clue what to say or write, it may not appear appealing to others. Maybe because they don't like their stream of words getting distracted by "so and so" words combo. Or maybe because they cannot refer to what you are saying. This is the first point where they may lose interest. You might want to edit that. If you don't have a word to replcace it with, just type what you want the word to mean, and most often it comes up. And if doens't, combien two words. Great credit people get for doing that nowadays. Now second point, where they may lose interest. When you describe things, you sound rushed. There isn't much to put the reader into that scene. While your choice of words is for some reason very interesting, it may not be enough. Settings are always more interesting. And three, relations. Now there wasn't enough for me to grasp as to why Noah "dislikes" our main character here. No offense, I know this is an excerpt, but in these scenes there are usually specific hints to say "oh that's the reason I dislike you". Just dropping hints might not be enough for many to understand what you truly were trying to convey. Anyways, aside from that, I just have one mssg for Ryan. "Dude, do not have your gf play with boys. What kind of silly goose are you? My poor Olivia."
