=== You help one guy load his groceries into his van and all of a sudden you’re uncovering a whole kidnapping operation. Wow. All James had wanted to do was pick up flowers for a friend. Simple, easy. It should’ve been done quick. However, some random guy came over and asked him for help putting away his bags. Sure, why not? The van was completely white, a bit odd, but nothing too weird, right? There wasn’t a license plate either, but that was probably nothing. Next thing he knew he was in a trunk. Of course. Of course it had to be James who met the sketchy kidnapper guy and got thrown in his trunk. What a great start to his day. Really amazing. Now he had to get out. Fortunately, sketchy kidnapper guy, as James had taken to calling him, didn’t seem too experienced, because he had left him with his phone. Rookie move. He should’ve patted him down, taken all his material possessions, and then tossed him in the trunk. What a beginner. Oh god, he sounded like a kidnapper now, didn’t he? All the true crime Estelle made him watch must’ve been getting to his head. Wait- focus, focus, you’re not supposed to be thinking about true crime and proper kidnapping etiquette, you need to GET OUT OF THE RANDOM GUY’S TRUNK. God, he was an idiot. Right, right, now to get out. He could try asking Nari, she might be able to help. Yeah, Nari would most likely know what to do. Fifteen frantic texts and three missed calls later, Nari was not responding. He cursed her family bloodline, even though they were all dead so the bloodline technically didn’t exist. He cursed her /nonexistent and very dead/ family bloodline. That was better. But historically accurate or not, James was still in a trunk. It had been an hour. And his only hope for help was ignoring him. Guess all he could do now was wait. Around four hours later, the van stopped, finally. James still had no clue where they were, but it felt a bit colder. Was he going to be let out now? Released into the wild like those videos of animals in captivity? Or would he be killed? Both of those sounded pretty funny, to be honest. His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of footsteps, and suddenly the trunk was open and he was hit by the blinding light of 3 in the afternoon. “Get out.” Sketchy kidnapper guy demanded. James considered his options, before choosing the funnier one. “No,” he shrugged. “It’s comfy here.” That was a lie. The trunk was very much not comfy. But sometimes you had to make sacrifices for the sake of the joke. Sketchy kidnapper guy didn’t respond at first, simply glaring as he slowly lifted a [firearm] and pointed it at James. “Now?” He sneered. James internally grimaced because, Jesus, this guy was hideous. Like, he looked like if a mole and a human had a cursed abomination for a child and then drop kicked it off a cliff before setting it on fire. But worse. “Okay, okay, I’m going,” he sighed, walking out. Sketchy kidnapper guy walked behind him, silent. James assumed the [firearm] was pointed at his head. “Hey, where am I supposed to go anyway?” He asked, turning around quickly. “AH-” Apparently, sketchy kidnapper guy had a fear of teenagers, because he was startled, dropping something in his momentary panic. James, like the good person he was, caught it. He looked up at sketchy kidnapper guy, who suddenly seemed terrified. Was he really that scary? Oh, wait, no, kidnapper guy was looking at James’s hand, or whatever was in it, which he was just now realizing was the [firearm]. Oh. Wait, what? Why did he have a [firearm]? How did he have a [firearm]? What even was a- okay, that’s a little too stupid, even for him. Sketchy kidnapper interrupted his thoughts yet again—man, this guy was good at that—by falling to his knees, pleading. “Please don’t kill me, I- I have a wife! I have two lovely kids! You know what- I’ll even show you to the boss- if you don’t kill me! You wanna see the boss, right? Wow, you’re tough. You drive a real hard bargain. Fine, fine, I’ll take you to HQ.” He muttered, getting up. [cont.]
[cont.] James had not said a single word, but somehow he was going to ‘HQ,’ whatever that was. He kept the [firearm] in his hand, looking around. Oh, he knew this forest. It was called Erebos, due to old folklore. Kidnapper guy was a fast driver, he had to give him that. The forest was around halfway across the country from where they had started, and they were already there in five hours. It was just then that the brilliant idea to call 911 hit James like a truck- or maybe a sketchy white van. That seemed more accurate considering the circumstances. Why didn’t he call earlier? Simple, he was an idiot. He signaled to sketchy kidnapper guy to give him a moment, then took his phone out again, and called 911, once he was out of earshot. “911, what’s your emergency?” The operator answered almost immediately. “Hi, yes, uh- I was kidnapped? I think? Some guy drove me five hours to the Forest of Erebos, yeah, the national park, and somehow I got his [firearm]? So he’s taking me to this ‘HQ’ and I don’t really know how I’m gonna get back.” She was silent for a moment before answering, sounding a bit stunned. “...alright sir, we have your location, can you describe your kidnapper, please?” James nodded. “Yeah, he’s a bit short, looks to be in his mid-forties to fifties, really ugly, like a mole-human abomination.” "Oh my god- that's Doug! He tried to take the kids in the divorce and now he's taking other people's kids too-!" The woman cleared her throat as she realized where she was. Then she was silent once more, the sound of keys clacking as she typed. “Alright, I am sending officers to your location.” “Actually- could y’all, like, track us? He’s taking me somewhere.” "I will see what I can do. Hold tight, sir." "Got it." Then he hung up and walked over to sketchy kidnapper guy, getting in the passenger seat which was- surprise surprise- a lot more comfortable than the trunk. "So..." he started. Kidnapper guy yelped, then quickly covered it up as he straightened. James gave him a side eye then continued. "Where are we going...?" "HQ," sketchy kidnapper guy- or was it Doug? Doug the sketchy kidnapper guy?- answered as he began driving. "Ain't far- couple minutes, you'll be there soon." "...uh huh," he nodded, looking out the window. Wow, this was boring. He wished he had headphones to listen to some music. Or he could play it out loud. Maybe Doug the Kidnapper wouldn't mind listening to The Smiths. "Hey do you like-" he was cut off as they suddenly parked, and Doug the Kidnapper got out, gesturing for James to follow. The road was dusty now, a dirt pathway that turned to a trail as Doug the Kidnapper led him through the forest to an abandoned shack, leading him inside. Behind a desk, a high-backed swivel chair was placed, strategically spun to avoid showing any of the person sitting there. "Uh- boss?" Doug the Kidnapper began meekly, and the chair spun around to reveal a tall man who looked like a knockoff Mr. Clean. Maybe Mr. Tidy. Or Mr. Neat "What is it, /Doug?/" He said his name like a curse. Yeesh, James almost felt bad. Almost. "Uh... we got a visitor who wants to meet you..." "Who-" then the man's eyes widened as he stood up, pointing dramatically at James. "YOU!" "...me?" "YOU! THE CHILD WHO STOLE THE LAST FURBY FROM ME EXACTLY THREE MONTHS AND TWO POINT FIVE DAYS AGO AT THE TOYS R US!" Oh. Wait- James remembered this guy. He crossed his arms, leaning to the side slightly. "Well it isn't /my/ fault we wanted to perform an exorcism and you were too slow." "But... /I/ wanted to perform an exorcism..." he mumbled, looking like a pouty toddler. James rolled his eyes. "Okay, sure. Whatever. Can I go?" "NO!" He flinched at the wild look in Mr. Tidy and Neat's eyes as he pulled out a [firearm]. "YOU TOOK MY FURBY! MY FAVORITE FURBY! WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO DEAL A PAIN SO DEEP? DIEEEEE-" "POLICE! OPEN UP!" He was interrupted by a banging on the door. Then a bunch of people in blue charged in. --- One hour later, he was... being given an award...? For... uncovering a wanted criminal whose crimes led back to 12 unsolved cases...? What the actual- As he was finally free to go home, his phone buzzed. He checked the caller I.D. Nari. About time, he rolled his eyes as he picked up. "Hello-" "James Alexandre Elegy. What the actual hell did you just get yourself into?!" "...nothing." "I swear to- you got /kidnapped?/ I am going to kill you." "Not very yasss slay queen of you." "Oh my GOD-" === AUTHOR'S CORNER: so this is a joke piece that's been in my drafts for a while! It's meant to be lighthearted and funny, take it all lightly. Lowk don't expect it to win but if it does I'd be pleasantly surprised. Anywayyyy, hope you enjoyed! ===
