ay back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry’s Bait Shop… you know the place… well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy… except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning… my mother would make me a big ol’ bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast… Arggggh! Big bowl of sauerkraut!! Every single morning!! It was driving me crazy! I said to my mom, I said, “Hey! Mom! What’s up with all the sauerkraut??” And my dear sweet mother, she just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train, and she leaned right down next to me, and she said, “Unhhhh… It’s goooood for you!” And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth and force-fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty-six and a half years old. That’s when I swore that someday, someday I would get out of that basement and travel to a magical, far-away place where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer and the towels are oh-so-fluffy… where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel. Wocka wocka doo doo yeah. Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn’t long at all before my dream came true, because the very next day a local radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy’s butt. I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize… That’s right, a first-class one-way ticket… to Al…buquerque! Al…buquerque! Oh yeah… You know, I’d never been on a real airplane before, and I gotta tell you, it was really great… except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor, and the little kid in back of me kept throwing up the whole time, and the flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts, and the in-flight movie was “Bio-Dome” with Pauly Shore, and three of the airplane engines burned out and we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died… except for me… you know why? ‘Cause I had my tray table up… and my seat back in the full upright position, had my tray table up…
an @-St4rBuns- fanart
