Hi igloo! first of all, I would like to say this is a great beginning. Any of my critiques are just my thoughts, and if u like how something originally is, keep it! "Nora, I love you." I like that u started it off with this sentence. it really sets the mood/ vibe of the story. I feel like it could be a lil cliche, but many great books start off with a line similar to this. "The only thing I smelt was noise." this is definitely an interesting one. you can't smell noise, but by implying Nora "smelt noise" that makes it seem more dramatic, which seems to be the right feeling to describe this scene. However, it did leave me a lil confused there for a second, so perhaps you could replace it with something equally as dramatic? some things I can think of are lowe's face expressions, his reaching hands as he tries to keep her with him... there is a lot of dialogue. try to even out dialogue and description, or eliminate some unnecessary dialogue that doesn't really contribute to the story! characters have distinct personalities, and i can picture them. Malcolm seems to protect himself using sarcasm and coming off as mean, but does respond to human emotions. Cassie doesn't seem to have a huge role yet, but maybe later in the story? however, for Nora, all I really know is she loves and cares for lowe. but since this a shorter piece, I totally understand how it could be hard to build characters! world building when Nora enters the afterlife, you describe it as a pitch dark. however, Nora can somehow see Cassie and Malcolm. It's not a super important detail, but I think there's an opportunity to world build right here. Describe the afterlife. Is it filled with haunted souls with empty eyes? Is it a happy place where people have found peace in death? Is it a dark, enclosed space with only Cassie, Nora, and Malcolm? I like the ending a lot! It showcases Nora and Lowe's love and commitment to each other, even after one leaves. the time travel that shows how Lowe still loves Nora even after she dies is really heartwarming. I don't think you need to change that section, or add any details as that one is mainly focusing on Nora and Lowe's feelings towards each other. If you wanted to, you could add some special things they did together that Lowe is thinking about as he's on his deathbed! he could be thinking about how he met Nora or how they always got strawberry ice cream in Malibu (Olivia Rodrigo reference xD) Overall, this is a great piece with potential. I would suggest a little bit more detail/ descriptions and really adding emphasis to the themes of loss and love.
