i wasn’t ready

Instructions

It was all burnt up. Last time when everything was burning, it was a fire of passion in my heart, driving me forwards until I was an unstoppable force with unstoppable emotions. But I knew something was wrong as soon as the ceremony had started. It wasn’t usual, it wasn’t normal. There was an air, uncertain, dreading, threatening rain to expel what was once inside of me. It was my sister, first, the light of the fire, whom was excluded and tossed away, taken from what she rightfully deserved- at least, that’s what it was like in my eyes. Hah, even my name- Sableruse, a trick, a deceit. Something that wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real. It was already odd when I found out that Starling had joined ShadowClan, and nonetheless that she was a kittypet before- pampered and soft. Yet why did she fight so well that first time they had ‘trained’ on the boats? Surely it must have been private training, from herself, or maybe an overly aggressive loner had taught her. Those were the logical conclusions I had come up to. But it was still wrong. I heard those words that were uttered, immediately after the time that was supposed to be spent in joy, all ruined by one simple sentence. “I challenge Sableruse to a duel.” In ShadowClan, a duel was something honoured. It wasn’t merely just a fight, it was a manifestation of the participants feelings, strong and full of will. It was an ultimate test to decide who came on top. It was everything. Maybe I did want to experience it one day. But it was different in my head. I was strong and courageous, a great bringer of justice, fighting against a cold villain and winning with vigour, taking the trophy as I became a hero and famed upon ShadowClan. Kits would look up to me, perhaps I would become the next leader of ShadowClan! My perfect fairytale was crushed and destroyed. I remember a story I was once told, a story of heroes fighting for honour and justice, upholding it with a paw as strong as the entire forest itself. Ah… real life wasn’t like that. I was supposed to… What was I supposed to do? Were I supposed to be the best warrior in ShadowClan? What a foolish dream, for I didn’t even belong here. Snap back, Sableruse, for your cowardice has reached areas unheard of. Your name is a lie. You are a lie. Was it all just a lie? The fight powered me up enough. If it were simply just a duel I had lost, of course I would feel dejected. But it wasn’t just a duel I had lost. It was to prove myself, to prove all those around me, that I was a great warrior, that I would win, that I belonged here, in my home. But was it truly my home? I reflected on my moons training with Quailstar and nearly barked an emotionless laugh. It was a bit cruel for Quailstar to name me as he did, was it not? Just a lie. Futile. All this time, I had just been wrapped up in this lie of how special and great I was, that I was destined for it. I knew that even if I wasn’t special, even if there were many just like me, I was different because I would actually do something about it. I would go forward and fight for my clan, strong and passionate, I would be happy. My life would go on, even if I wasn’t praised as a hero, I would be happy and content with my strength. Perhaps I would find a mate, perhaps I would get an apprentice. Maybe I could even have kits of my own and teach them to be strong like myself. To teach them to be happy and honourable. A voice crashed in my heard, nearly making me fall over. It clawed at me, made me bleed. NOT ANY LONGER! I hissed. This wasn’t about jealousy. This was about the fact that I wasn’t good enough, I was stupid, weak, frail, I was SHE’S EVERYTHING YOUR NOT Another strike, this time to my side, piercing where a long scratch was. I wanted to wail, but I know it would be useless. Right, but that was true, wasn’t it? I could really deny that fact. Quailstar chose Starlingpaw because he noticed that Sableruse was useless. So, very useless. And Starlingpaw was not. She was cool, mature, she thought about her actions and succeeded with every one of them. She was perfect in every way. Sable was not. Thanks for finally accepting it, idiot. I grimaced as I stared into nothing, the empty space before me. There was nothing. But what could I do? I can’t reshape myself. I can’t just accept it, either. Did I need some time? That’s what I would say to someone in my position. But I didn’t deserve time. Useless cats didn’t deserve time. One last hit made me fall over, toppling to the ground, finally accepting it. I can’t fall over, but here I am, my fire is gone and my fur is covered in blood. My first day of a warrior wasn’t exactly how I expected it to be. The stares were humiliating, burning my pelt, but I couldn’t care less about them now, when voices were ringing inside of my head and tears threatened to well up inside of my eyes, my failure stinging everywhere. CONTINUED IN NOTES AND CREDITS