vent ig? >:ppp

Instructions

So I have this friend. We're gonna call her Rachel. (This isn't her real name, btw). I've been friends with her for 2 years now, and it's been a very chaotic relationship. We were on and off dating for a bit, we would be fighting and not speak for a month and then start talking again. Overall, a very on-off relationship, even platonically. Back in December, during my birthday, she did something that really scarred me. I won't go into detail because it's scratch, but she touched me without my consent (She also later justified it by saying she had 'gender envy' and that's why she did it which is stupid and makes no sense? Gender envy doesn't make you do that it's not how it works >:[ (That's all imma say.)) We weren't talking until late February, when I reached out to get closure and end things on a somewhat high note. I didn't want to be friends. But, she had other plans, I guess. She told me a piece of information that meant she wouldn't be safe if I wasn't with her (She has no friends at this point bc they don't trust her anymore, so if I didn't start being friends with her she'd be completely isolated.) I had to be her friend, for her safety. I planned to just wait until she was stable and then gently leave so we wouldn't have any bad blood, but the toxic tendencies that had resulted in our rocky relationship before started to re-appear. She guilt tripped me into thinking everything was my fault. Into thinking that the incident on my birthday was my fault, that I shouldn't have gotten so mad. She made me believe every single fight was because of me. I felt sick whenever I was around her, and kind of afraid. But whenever she's not there, I just feel empty. (She's very good at manipulating ppl I'll give her that) she would tell me she hated me, that I was the worst person in existence, that I was wishy-washy, that I was worthless without her. She tried to guilt trip me into saying I loved her after one week of the first time we were dating. She initiated things I wasn't comfortable with. But, she seemed a lot better now. But just last Friday (April 4th), something happened. Rachel was reading this book. It was a manga, and the main ship is a bully x victim ship (I hate those with a burning passion.) I asked her "Is this a bully x victim ship?" after a long period of hesitation she said "yyyyyessss???" I'm not mad yet, so I just ask if the series portrays it in a positive light. Rachel says it's "complicated" but after pressing a bit she confirms that it's portrayed positively, AND that she thinks it's a cute ship. I tell her that's disgusting (Because that ship is just plain awful) and she responds by going to a teacher (Let's call her Ms. Smith) and asks her about the manga. Rachel knows for a fact that Ms. Smith has read this manga and likes it, so when she responded positively, Rachel came back over to me with an 'I told you so' sort of face and said "seee?" like she was a 1st grader. I respond by saying that even adults can have bad opinions and that it doesn't excuse a terrible ship like that. I pick up the first book and skim through it, just trying to get some context. After all, I could be wrong, I don't know the details. Instead of asking for the book back or even just taking it, Rachel grabs my wrist (Of the hand that isn't holding the book) and twists it until it starts cracking. She didn't even plan to stop, except for I gave her the book back. it still hurts. She almost broke my wrist. Over a MANGA. Sure, it's a library book, but that's not okay. After around 5 minutes of me trying to pop my wrist back into place, she finally says "Sorry, but this is a library book. I didn't want you to ruin it." Who the HECK says that? WHO APOLOGIZES LIKE THAT???? Rachel, apparently. Every time she has ever apologized to me, it's always along the lines of "Sorry, but it was really your fault" This isn't the first time she's tried to hurt me because she didn't get her way. She's dislocated my fingers, twisted my leg backwards, etc. She has also several times threatened to un-life me (Not in a joke way, in a serious way). I let it slide before now, saying it's "just what she's like" and even excusing it because of her anger issues and difficult home life. But I had just started to trust her again, after months of thinking we'd never speak again. I was just starting to think she might be different. That she might've seen the error of her ways. But now it seems like she was just being really sweet and kind to make me think she was different, so she could hopefully get away with hurting me again. She does this every time we start talking again after a fight. Acts all kind, and then starts physically and mentally abusing me. I convinced myself I deserve it. I've been numb to being touched without my permission since I was very young, and numb to being seriously injured by my friends since I was even younger due to my toxic friend groups in the past. (+)