vent

Instructions

(TW: Not for little kids nine or under <3) hey <//3 I've been feeling really bad all day and need a place to let it all out. No, I'm not coming back, I just need some time in my safe haven because I don't feel like I can share this with my family. I suppose I've told you guys about how much I dislike basketball because of the girls and how I felt like they didn't like me, treat me well, talk to me, or even look in my direction even when I was talking. I didn't have any evidence of any of them not liking me except for their body language until today. A friend of mine (my closest friend, who's pretty much a sister to me) we'll call her Skye was talking to one of the basketball girls (who we'll call Zion), and somehow they got onto the topic of me and Zion said "Tia's nice, but she ALWAYS rolls her eyes at us." and sure, I do roll my eyes sometimes, but I can't remember even a SINGLE TIME that I rolled my eyes at them. ONE TIME Zion thought I rolled my eyes at a different girl and when I denied the allegation, the other girls backed me up (which was the first and last time they did that). That was the only time it was even POSSIBLE for me to have rolled my eyes. So saying "always" is an exaggeration. Skye also mentioned her saying after I had complained a little bit, that Zion had mentioned not being very confident and feeling excluded when it was her first year which tells me two things: 1. it sounds a lot like she's complaining about me because, just think about it, WHY WOULD THAT BE RELEVANT OTHERWISE?! 2. that sounds like she purposefully iced me out to show me a taste of "what it's like" even though I've gotten a ten-course-meal "getting a taste." Besides, I don't think she even knows how many times I've cried in the last six months over how worthless, useless, stupid, helpless, etc. I've felt. Also, I don't mind admitting I could start rolling my eyes less because it isn't the kindest thing to do, but Zion could at least tell me why she doesn't ever talk to me unless she wants to get mad at me or scold/tell me off instead of making me feel like dust. And it's not even like it's about my age. She talks to EVERYONE. With the exception of me. I never did anything to her that I'm aware of, so it's her problem and her problem only, because I can't apologize for something I don't know I did. Besides, it's been happening ever since the first practice. I didn't even know her before so there isn't something before then that I did. Like, I literally tried so hard to joke with them, and laugh with them, and spend time with them, and all they did was make me feel worse. I can't even make them change because I don't know what I've done wrong, they just don't like me. I feel so helplessly worthless. I'm stuck in this painful merry-go-round that every time starts to slow down, speeds back up again. Somebody help. Please. I don't even know what to do anymore. I just feel so crappy. So tired, so sad, so angry, so left out. And before anyone starts with the "just forgive" with me, you can't forgive someone who DOESN'T WANT TO BE FORGIVEN. Especially if they think you're the one in the wrong. Also, there is no way I'm confronting her because that is her issue, not mine. If that's her strategy every time she doesn't like someone, that's a serious problem that can't go on. Also, someone tell Zion not to ask me what I think of her because oh honey, I have a whole essay (in my head) of how rude, sarcastic, crappy, etc. you are. You don't treat anyone well. You don't let anyone into your friend group. You don't act kindly to anyone. I don't even know why I blame myself, because it's not my fault you have issues, and it isn't my job to make you feel better about yourself by pining over you. I am so done with trying to be nice to you. You were icing me out first, and now you get a ten-course-meal of your own medicine like you gave me. I am so p1ssed off. Someone tell me to get help because I am so fr1ck1n' p1ssed.