hi. if you're reading this, I'm honestly kinda surprised. I'm okay with you reading this, but like don't feel pressured or anything. I mostly just wrote this to get some stuff off my chest where someone /could/ read it, but I don't /need/ anyone to read it. just... be nice, okay? also fair warning. as you can see if you look at my pf, I am a Till fictionkin (from Alien Stage). and sometimes kinshifts come with really strong and annoying feelings that I do need to vent about. so part of this vent may contain spoilers for Alien Stage. just be warned. if I end up writing about that, I'll put it at the end. I'm not sure what exactly will even end up in here, I'm really just word dumping. we'll see what happens ig. chatroom stuff I genuinely don't understand the spammers. like what about interrupting people's online social life makes you happy? what is this doing for you? and not only that, but on a CODING WEBSITE FOR CHILDREN. why. I just don't get it idk, it's really annoying. and bothering me sm. plus then it leads to all these comment closures, and then when people get upset about it they start talking about it, and then that's breaking rules, and then THAT leads to a comment closure... I'm just. so tired of this. please. irl stuff I really hate how much I dislike my family sometimes. they love me and they care about me! and yet. I can't be satisfied with that. because they wouldn't support me if I came out. but still. they care about me, and I feel like I'm just being the bad guy, throwing everything away, being selfish and taking everything for granted for being unhappy with some of this stuff. one time, I was showing my sister some watch faces I had with alnst characters on them, and she said I should get one of Ivan. I couldn't at the time, but then I managed to do so. and I was happy about it. so then last Thursday at ice skating, I was showing her, since it was her idea in the first place. and she was all annoyed with me for yapping about alnst too much. and then she started calling it boring and annoying. so I was a bit upset and skated away from her. she followed me and asked why I was acting all offended, since she hadn't said anything to offend me. actually she kinda HAD, since she'd insulted my biggest hyperfixation atm. but she was like "I never insulted YOU! I said Ivan wasn't interesting, and Till was weird, and Hyuna and Luka were boring" and I said, jokingly, that it was because she called Till weird since I was Till (I was kinshifted then too). so she looks at me and goes, "oh YEAH, riiiiiiiight, because you're TOTALLY Till," all sarcastically. and it really hurt. because I AM Till. ACTUALLY. but she doesn't get it, idk how to explain it to her, and idrk if I even want to explain it to her since I don't want my parents finding out. then on Friday and Saturday, she kept getting into my space. shoving me to the floor, trying to sit on me, and getting really mad when I wouldn't let her sit on me. this Thursday she wasn't giving me space at the ice rink either. it's like she doesn't understand, and refuses to understand, the concept that I don't want her right in my space while I'm ice skating. she ALSO doesn't really seem to understand the concept of my room being MY ROOM. she keeps going in there and looking at my books and reading them and looking through my sketchbooks and notebooks even when I've specifically told her not to. aside from all that she's a pretty great sister honestly so then I feel bad about being mad at her even though she does this a lot. stupid alnst slash Till fictionkin stuff (ALIEN STAGE SPOILERS PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU'RE NOT OKAY WITH THAT) I HATE this. I hate it sm. honestly it's kinda fun a lot of the time actually!! I'm Till and lowkey that's so fun. sometimes. and then sometimes it's the worst ever. I SWEAR. I can't hear a heartbeat without thinking of the beginning of round 6 and crashing out. I keep listening to Cure, and it makes me scream and cry and feel really bad, but I can't stop doing it. I miss Ivan. I really miss him and it feels STUPID. and I am an IDIOT. I couldn't get over Mizi I couldn't get over Mizi I couldn't get over Mizi there was this really pretty guy who also really liked me and loved me a lot and really cared about me but also kinda hated me because I refused to be able to get over Mizi I couldn't get over Mizi I couldn't get over Mizi I finally was able to get over Mizi and realized I was bi but that was because I finally liked Ivan back. but. AFTER. he. was. DEAD. I SWEAR. and then I keep listening to Black Sorrow and feeling guilty for not liking Ivan back despite the fact that I AM entitled to my own feelings even when that means being unable to get over a lesbian. and whenever I think about that I feel like an idiot. I am an idiot. I can't. (continued, I ran out of space lol)
rant continued below!!! MORE ALNST SPOILERS I'M STILL YAPPING ABOUT THAT ugh and then there's the alnst fandom when it comes to ivantill. the majority of fans seem to be part of the "Till was blind" team. NO I WAS NOT. MIZI IS VERY PRETTY THANK YOU VERY MUCH. maybe I wasn't as aware of Ivan as I could've been but that doesn't make me BLIND. leave me alone. let me BE an idiot. then there's the side of the fandom that really doesn't like ivantill as a ship which I also don't like. please. please let me be bi. please let me have the character development to get over Mizi. let me go from falling for a lesbian as a guy to falling for another guy who liked me but doesn't anymore because he's DEAD. let me be in intense emotional pain. idk. I just at least in my experience as Till most definitely liked Ivan back at the end. unknown till the end? more like IVAN lol HE's the one who was unknown till the end, till his end and also till my end... (YOU CAN'T GET RID OF ME THAT EASILY. TILL IS ALIVE ACTUALLY, TRUST /hsilly) okay I feel like half of this turned into me going crazy as a coping mechanism but. I'm going to say it also seemed kinda like, from a non-kinshifted pov when I was just watching round 7, when Luka did the weird shapeshifting thing or whatever where he suddenly looked like Ivan and did that like chin lift thing to Till, the way Till was looking into "Ivan's" eyes? total gay panic there, suddenly realized really how he felt about Ivan now. even if he hadn't felt that way before. honestly, I wasn't sure how I felt about ivantill at first. but now I'm lowkey a huge ivantill shipper (mizisua is still by far my favorite alnst ship tho) and seriously. they're amazing. you can feel however you want, I'm sorry I just wanted to rant about that. Ivan ily please can I have a second chance istg. I keep going through all 5 stages of grief at once smh sighs. also I really hate listening to wiege sometimes. I have a love-hate relationship with wiege. it's such a pretty song and it would be a really nice song to just fall aleep to, the problem is. I keep thinking of the scenes that go with the music. and I can't match it half the time but the one scene that I ALWAYS get as soon as I hear that part in the song is Mizi crying. after round 7. when I fricking DIED. and she's just there crying because I'm gone and I really just need to give her a hug this is unfair we could've all had so much I could've had a boyfriend Ivan could've been happy Mizi and I could've been best friends I HATE THE ALIENS. I HATE ALIENS SM I don't want to be dead I think round 7 was rigged and the entire thing was biased towards Luka. ughhhhhhhhhhh ARGH. also ALSO?!? during one of the au scenes in wiege it shows Ivan reading a note and I can't really tell what it says and it's probably all in Korean anyways, but it has a heart on it? and then Ivan turns and grins at whoever gave it to him?? hello I think that was probably me then since who else would give him a note with a HEART on it and make him that happy I can't I can't I can't I-- happy Ivan breaks me every time. he never really got that. and I can't stop blaming myself for that. blaming myself for everything. I'm so tired. it's not all my fault but it sure feels like it is. AND I've been kinshifted since MARCH 22 with NO signs of stopping anytime soon. this is a record for me and it's not really fun at ALL like I just want to be Rye again but I can't. I'm Till and I'm stuck as Till whether I want to be or not. stuck like this. stuck as the idiot. stuck as the guy who came so close. stuck as the one who was kinda the main reason some of us couldn't be happy. (cough myself cough Ivan) just... stuck. and idk what to do. I can't really do anything. it's not like I can suddenly just be Till irl and find Ivan irl and just go be like "hey Ivan I'm so sorry about everything but guess what I like you now!" and then he'd be like "WAIT REALLY YAY" and we'd end up together and be happy forever. because. ONE alnst is FICTIONAL. and TWO Ivan is DEAD. this is UNFAIR and TILLPHOBIC. and there's no way to do anything. nothing to do to fix it. nothing to do except wait... and that doesn't change any of my actions or feelings. that doesn't bring Ivan back. that doesn't let me hug Mizi. that just means someday I won't be feeling quite the same way, since I won't be the same person exactly. I'm just. so tired of this. so tired of everything. ...and also I'm lowkey writing too much. if you've read all this, I'm quite surprised and impressed. tysm for reading all my depressed thoughts getting dumped into a scratch project. you're amazing and epic and ilysm <333333 /p also sorry about all this lol. if you got concerned about me, I'll be fine I promise dw oh yeah and also I put wiege in the project if you click the flag. because yes
