My own fears If it were anyone else I’d laugh My own tears If it were anyone else I’d feel sorry for them My own mistakes If it were anyone else I’d say it’s okay I try so desperately To be anything BUT ME It doesn’t work. My thoughts Come in my brain And out my mouth And everything Goes south I don’t mean To be mean Really I wish to be normal I wish I had to study Like some people I wish I could deal With things That remain unspoken I wish I could deal With the not knowing With the wishing With the dreaming The swishing Of fabric Back and forth As I walk In a dress That is not like me The fabric feels nice But it makes me seem Like something I’m not Tears Stinging my eyes I hope no one sees My fears Of being seen as something But not being that something My fears Of seeing something But it being nothing Or seeing nothing But it being something Irreversible things I wish I could go back in time With a couple of rhymes as a poem I could tell my past self Things That would have helped past me Like “who cares if beautiful is spelled with a ‘b’?” Sometimes I feel warm And so very nice But other times? I feel colder Than ice What if I end up alone What if There’s no one at home With me What if Because of these things I Never get Certain things Let me be challenged! Let them all see! That I’m not as weak As I think I may be! Let’s go! Let me fly! Up up up! Into the blue sky! I hope I don’t sink Deep into the ocean When my wings stop flapping and I fall to the ground Once I was small Little kindergarten me I felt so so tall Even though I have always Been short Giggles And chuckles And laughter galore Nobody cared if you were laughing on the floor Carpet time Now not mine I miss kindergarten me Now I’m like an old person Grumpy And a little funky And you never know what to say to them When they come to your house For Christmas Or Thanksgiving The old person Gives you a hug Sips from a mug Of coffee Or tea And smiles And remarks “How much you’ve grown” When you still feel so small I’m the old person Who complains That Youth These days Are silly And distracted Tsk tsks At the different ways Younger people mess up I’m the younger person too The one who wants to ask “What’s wrong with you?” But knows Deep down There’s nothing They can do I’m the younger person too Who talks about the future Dreaming of the new things I could experience And wonders What wonders This world could contain My fears Being alone Whether it’s in my house Or anywhere else Being alone scares me If I have nobody With me To trust What will happen to me? I need someone Whether it’s someone Physically In the room with me Or figuratively My friend My fears Being forgotten What if I die When I’m old And funky And nobody remembers I’m just That one grandparent Or That one sibling That one family member Who you saw at Christmas Or Thanksgiving Who died My fears What if I am going swimming On a regular day Then my stomach cramps Or my legs stop moving And my body freezes up And I stiffen And start to sink Water all around Until it goes dark What if I drown Looking like a clown My fears Emetophobia Fear of puke It’s dumb But true I’m sure you think it’s stupid That makes two of us My fears Losing My senses Sight Hearing smelling Tasting touching What if one day I wake up And feel nothing What if one day I wake up And I see nothing What if one day I wake up And I’ve slept Too late Because I couldn’t hear my alarm clock What if I wake up And try to eat some chocolate But I can’t taste My fears I feel eyes watching me Just beyond my peripheral vision Not every day Just some days I try to convince myself that it’s nothing Even though it feels Like something Some days On those days There are clouds above my head Taunting me Threatening to pour water on my head Water from a pitcher That’s been left out for too long Dusty water Sometimes When I’m mad It feels like I’m on fire And all the rest of you Are fine Some days The fire is a happy fire Warm and kind Putting me at the perfect temperature Until it doesn’t Sometimes I feel like I could climb An insurmountable Mountain Some days I can hear the crunch of Footprints in bright snow Looking around at the ground below And wondering Why I hadn’t done it before But my fears It all comes back to my fears My fears stop this from becoming reality I don’t want to climb anyway but part of me wonders What would happen If I weren’t so Afraid My fears Going too high Then being unable To come back down Or coming back down Against my will On Accident My fears Growing old What if I do Become the old person At Thanksgiving That was awkward And grumpy And bothersome But on the other hand What if I never grow up What if I just stay Stuck Here Forever As the rest of you move on And have kids And get married And build lives for yourselves And then I’m just living In my parent’s basement Still creeping along Inching Like a caterpillar Except Maybe I won’t Turn into A butterfly
