“Don't go!” He didn't know why he was yelling. Why did he even bother? Nobody could hear him. He screamed, and nobody even cared. “Please?” Nothing. The darkness didnt care who screamed. Didn't care who cried. It only knew how to destroy. He turned to Hellebore, searching for help. When his mother opened her mouth , he faded to dust. Right in front of Ode. He clawed at the fragments, the dust left in her place. “No…no..wait! Wait, please!!” Elegy was next. The darkness swallowed her , then Eventide. His family was fading and fast. Soliloquy moved to save him. To protect him. But she faded too. He could only stand and stare, blinking rapidly to stop the tears. Blush wrapped her paws around him. But she faded too. Right in his own paws. Everything was gone. Everything. How was he supposed to live after this? How could he even- “I'm in ..love with the idea of dying. With you in my arms. But not like this.” Boom. His eyes opened wide,startled back into the world with a gasp. His heart was racing harder then ever before. A dream? No.. a nightmare. He let out a low whimper, still shaken. He stopped himself before he could cry. He didn't want to be weak. If it was up to him, he'd run back to the leaders den. He'd run over to his mother and cuddle until he felt better. But he wasn't a kit anymore. That wouldn't fly these days. He was supposed to be strong, not a weakling little kit. He was supposed to have matured. These days.. Everything changed so fast. He had no time to understand how it happened. One second, he was a kit and everything was alright. Now he didn't understand. He was a warrior now. A warrior? Odelament. He was supposed to be grown. He found himself leaving Shadowclan camp, going for a short walk. He didn't know where he was going. He hated the dark. But he walked. He walked until he found fireflies. He loved the little bugs. He caught one in his paws, whispering wishes. “Let me understand. “ He cast it back to the night. He wanted to understand. Because right now? He felt like an outsider in his own family. Everyone around him was so..cold. Were they always this cold? He found himself simply observing as of lately. He came to the realization. He knew nothing about them. Not his sisters..and not Helleborestar. Not a favorite color , nor a favorite prey. Not currently anyway. “We can't really help who we are.” It was all so much easier when he was a kit. He cupped another glowing bug. “Grow up already, Ode.” He whispered harshly, releasing the wish. Everyone around him was growing up emotionally. And he couldn't bring himself to. Stupid , stupid cat. He felt…mad. At himself. He should grow up too. He should want to grow up. But he didn't. He liked how things were, how he was. And he felt guilty. Why should he be so happy, when everyone around him was so angry? And why was his face wet? He gingerly brought a paw to his cheek. He'd started crying. Usually he would reign himself in . But he figured he was far enough away from camp. Surely Hellebore won't mind if he cries just this once. He let himself sob freely, letting everything out. He couldn't help it. He was emotional by nature, a kind soul at heart. Living in this cruel world.
He wanted to know his family. He wanted to be better, stronger. But he couldn't. He was weak. So damn weak. He couldn't hunt as well as he'd like, he couldn't live up to the invisible footsteps he'd tried to follow. He just wanted his mother to love him. Was that so wrong? He felt bad for that too. The other litters had it worse. Why complain? If anything , he should be grateful. God, he was selfish. His paws carried him further, near the edge of the Riverbed. Had he really walked that far? He stared down at his reflection, at the cat staring back at him. “Selfish, selfish cat. Why must you be so .. Greedy? You self centered..” He ripped his sunflower bracelet off, his chest heaving with angry breaths. Angry? He'd never been this angry before. “Inconsiderate..idiotic fool.” He held it above the water, his mind blank. What was he doing? He only caught himself in his actions when it was sinking. “Oh.” did he do that? He didn't mean to. He spent good time on that bracelet. Gone. And all he could say was oh. His face was damp, but now he felt anger mingled with that sadness. No. He stopped himself, managed to reign himself back in. He couldn't be mad. That wasn't his job. Everyone else was mad around him. He didn't want to be mad. Maybe he could focus on something else instead. Regret. He was very regretful. Lament meant regret sometimes. So he figured it was fitting to focus on. He hadn't done enough, and he knew it. He hadn't gotten to know his mother, scared of her rejection. Now, he feared it was too late. He was a warrior now. How foolish he'd been. Haunted. That was a good word too. Like how he felt when he saw Evedaisy dead on the ground. He still carried that thought with him, engraved permanently in his mind. And how sad his mother looked. He regretted not getting to know Eve better. Now he was dead. He wiped at his tear soaked cheeks, sniffling pathetically. Why was he so weak? All he wanted was for everyone to be happy and he always got hurt. He could feel everyone around him slipping away, like the petals of his crown as the water carried it away. It made him cry harder. He felt alone. So alone. He wanted a hug. But the only cat he could think of who wouldn't judge him was Blushpaw. And even then he was scared of hurting her, fragile as she is. He felt overwhelmed. What was he supposed to do? His frame started shaking with unspent energy. So he did what felt right. A soft, anguished cry ripped through his throat. He was mourning. The loss of Evedaisy. The loss of feeling loved. The loss of this heavy regret. He cried for what seemed like hours,until his throat was hoarse and his face was soaked. He was tired now. He glanced back at the direction he came from, sniffling. Well, he couldn't go back like this. He still had unresolved emotions. He still felt like an outsider in his own family. He watched the sky. Had he been gone that long? It was almost morning. What was he supposed to do now? He stared down at the pool of water, the ever flowing ripples. Maybe he should be more like the water. Let go of the past. Focus on the present. Right now he could still show his family love. He could find a way to know them. He could still love them. Odelament. A constant reminder of this regret, how grief can strike even him, a cat who tried not to be sad. He could move on. He could comfort his mother. She must be going through grief especially hard. Losing Evedaisy sounded like grief he'd never known. He wiped his face off, his paws shaky from crying. His walk back home was quiet. He had resolved within himself to be better. To be there for his family. Even if he didn't feel they were there for him. He'd just have to do better, work harder, and extend the first step. He stared straight ahead, not giving a second glance behind him. He had to move forward. He just had to.
