dearest friends and fellow scratchers, i am afraid that my time on scratch has come to an end. it was supposed to come to an end in july 2024. then it was supposed to come to an end in january 2025. then it was supposed to come to an end in february, march, may – and now – i have reason to believe that this will be the last month i log on to scratch. there are many reasons, most of which you will be familiar. i've been busy, for one thing. there really isn't much time for me to log onto scratch and answer all my messages (two or three at most even) when i'm taking four classes over the summer, plus supplemental studying, plus playing with my cousins, plus just being on vacation. and there definitely won't be time for me to log on when i'm in highschool. i'm taking three math programs outside of school, TAing for a math class, joining science bowl, still doing piano and math competitions, etc. but more importantly, scratch just isn't the same, and we all know it. summer 2024 was the best of scratch – we all know it. whether we were in kotlc roleplay and laughing our heads off while digging out (roleplay) crushes, or starting out in the aes comm – it was amazing. and – (in my opinion) way better than what it is now. in roleplay, there wasn't pressure to post projects. i had to answer messages, yes, but most of the time roleplays were voluntary. in the aes comm – it's all about being aes. of course it is! i'm not saying there's something wrong with that. i'm saying that sometimes the pressure is hard. if you want to be one of those idolized, popular aes scratchers, you have to post projects regularly. who has the time to be that active?! well, not me. you have to revamp every five seconds (okay that's a hyperbole but you get my point), AND you have to make at least one or two of the bnr, pfp, b/w, thumbs or you're not aes because you can't make aes stuff yourself. you have to be super active and notice every single thing – you have to comment on all the recent projects, respond to comments in studios, on profiles, you have to be a manager of this aes studio or that aes studio and you have to be active, you have to be constantly trying to do projects which, i will admit, are good-intentioned, but don't really do that much to help the aes comm. the activities are fine, but somehow everything and anything will cause drama. you have to respond to all your comments – otherwise you'll get into drama because people will think you're ignoring them. and if you just respond to your friends – people will talk about you behind your back and say you're exclusive. you have to always act cheery and happy – or people won't think you're fun to talk to. but then if you post a vent/rant, it's one out of two cases: 1) everyone wants to be your friend and is so sympathetic and writes huge lengthy paragraphs 2) no one sees your project and you feel awkward about it so you unshare it and pretend nothing ever happened. let's assume , which is what happens for some of the rather unnoticed scratchers. despite this, you still have to comment on every single vent, write huge lengthy paragraphs, etc. you have to sp h on impersonators' profiles and comment "oh im so sorry jane!! this is so terrible!" when really, yes it might be stressful but there's been so many impersonators that no one is going to believe that the impersonator is actually you. i mean – okay, join date, comments, followers, etc? and you only do this so that other people see you as "such a good friend". you have to suck up to popular scratchers so that you can feel like you're a little popular too – but you never will be. because like goes with like. and popular scratchers stick with popular scratchers. no matter how much we want to deny it, the aes comm is exclusive. if you're not aes, you can't join any studio besides the fab squad, or the glam squad if you don't have friends there. (shoutout to those studios by the way, they're amazing <3) the super super aes scratchers have their own special studios, and that's okay. but it's hard not to feel bad when those studios get everywhere. they go in their comments, in their b/ws – sometimes it's hard not to feel jealous. to be popular, you have to have a certain number of follows – obviously, or no one knows about you. you have to be appreciative of followers, especially at milestones, but you can't say "omg tysm!" too much or people will think you care too much about your followers. let's be real guys, EVERYONE cares about followers. it might be more about friends or viewing content for some people, but "how many followers do i have" is always going to be a question in the back of our minds. (cont. in notes)
the thing is – if you're not a swiftie, carpenter, gracelander, livie, tate fan, alessi rose fan, etc. (edit: ADDING IN 1D) – you're not really going to be that popular. because that's what this aes comm is based on. and as an ari fan – SHE'S AMAZING AND TBH HAS A BETTER VOICE THAN EVERYONE ELSE *ahem* just kidding i respect everyone's opinion – i feel kinda sad that some artists/fandoms are just left out. but i really can't say anything about FANDOMS because there are definitely SHATTER ME! POWERLESS! INHERITANCE GAMES! etc. fans in this comm. the point is – you have to be a certain way to be in this comm. and i don't really feel like i fit in. in a music-based comm, there's no way that a classical music + ariana girl is gonna be that popular. pop-u-ler! *pause* LAR! and sometimes, i'm just not really feeling like myself. i don't know if i actually have d3pr3ss!0n, but sometimes it certainly feels like i do. NOT trying to make ygs feel bad for me, but it's true. with all the pressures of getting into college, of doing well at competitions, of being the perfect student and perfect daughter – you gotta admit, it's tough for all of us. a lot of times i wear a mask. it's a beautiful mask, one that can completely change who i am. i'm quiet when i need to be, silly but fun when i need to be, obedient when i need to be, a good listener when i need to be, expressive (in piano) when i need to be, rational (in math) when i need to be. but sometimes, i'm feeling weak. it's hard to hold up this mask all the time, to change myself into someone else. so the mask drops. i quickly recover, but it cracks a little. not as perfect as before. and the mask can't keep cracking forever. eventually, it breaks. it shatters. into a million little pieces. that's what i'm afraid of. that's what we're all afraid of, sometimes. because we put up a mask for everyone. in front of our family, in front of friends, in front of strangers. how are we doing? "great, how are you?" is for when our day is going just fine. "fine, how are you?" is for when we woke up a little too early for our liking. "fine" is for when we are having a terrible day and are desperately trying to tell the person to please stop talking. no one wants to hear, "ugh, i'm so tired" or "i have a terrible cold" or "[close family member] passed away". no one wants to hear other people's problems. because OUR problems are the only problems that matter, right? we are inherently selfish and that's our beautiful logic! but i've learned that sometimes it's okay to let down the mask, around those who really, truly care about you. it's hard, but it's necessary. the raw version of you might not be perfect, but it's just YOU. nothing else. just YOU. and those who truly care about you will love you for just you. not for the happy, smiley, cheery, polite girl. not for the popular, trendy, aes girl. but for you. every single part of you. the ups and downs. (hint hint maybe this whole talk is about finding someone who loves you for who you are!! /jkjk :P) anyways, enough of my ranting. like i said, no one wants to hear it, haha!! i hope that, even when i'm gone, some people will continue to speak out about all i just said. because a lot of times we're scared. cancel culture, am i right? we're scared to speak up against the people who have more "power" or "influence". but we should know that, in a comm like this, on a kids coding website?! *whispers* it doesn't really matter. alright, looks like scratch is going to get really mad at me for this super lengthy essay in the description – so i'll end it here. to my amazing best friends sky and lestie, ILYASM YGS ARE SO AMAZING AND KIND AND SMART AND FUNNY AND FUN TO TALK TO and YES OFC IM STAYING ON FR@M@ AND P!N SO DWWWW to my other friends (you know who you are), thanks for being there for me. whether we talked a lot or talked a little, every supportive word meant a lot to me. to all the scratchers i've ever interacted with, good luck in your lives. to everyone, have an amazing rest of your lives. you all are wonderful and have so much potential – i know each and every one of you have amazing futures ahead of you. i'll be active on p!n pretty much every day at aur0ras_vxrsiion (my prev username but with _ instead of -). the user is the same on wttpd as on scr (so it's - not _, sorry for the confusion) but i won't be on there as much. and if you want a fr@m@, msg me on a d3@d thread! alright, ilyasfm <333 and it's time for me to go. so close your eyes, wherever you are. close your eyes and imagine me as a dandelion, one of my favorite flowers. hold on tight. remember all the memories we've made together. remember the ups and downs. remember everything. now it's time to say goodbye. so, i request that you blow me away. *whoosh* and i'm gone. ~ bella 07-08-25 p.s. please tell me someone immediately thought of hamilton there p.p.s. gone WITH THE WIND *ahem* okay i really should go now p.p.p.s. bye!!
