Mr. Ralphus the Walrus

Instructions

Mr. Ralphus nearly choked on his coffee. He nervously side-eyed the person behind the counter of the cafe. “Sorry, that must’ve been phrased funny. I just meant, you’re like a walrus in the sense that, you know, it’s wintertime and you’re dressed like you’re ready for a vacation in Hawaii! Get it? Because walruses don’t mind the cold…?” Mr. Ralphus snorted, forcing laughter. The waiter grinned, then turned away and continued working. Usually, Mr. Ralphus lingered in the cordiality of the morning’s customers, but he felt discomfort from the joke, so he hurried out. Outside, Mr. Ralphus waddled over to the bus station. Dressed - indeed - in a blue patterned aloha shirt, khaki shorts, and sandals, he sat on the bench and waited, snowflakes quietly hissing as they fell into his steaming cup of coffee. He looked at his watch. Quarter past seven in the morning. Ten minutes on the bus and he’d be at work. Mr. Ralphus loved his job. He was a financial analyst at Business and Co. All day, he filed reports, analyzed data, and compared the pros and cons of potential investments, helping the company make business decisions. Oh, the smell of the chairs, the cheap desks and identical cubicles! The office parties and the cozy environment and his friends... the whole big happy staff family! It was perfect. He was always the first one to clock in and the last one to leave for the night. Mr. Ralphus loved his job. The bus came and Mr. Ralphus was taken to his office building. As he was getting ready to tackle the latest finances though, an upsetting thing happened to him. His manager, who had just arrived, had gotten his name wrong! “Hi Mr. Walrus!” The manager said. “Hmmph,” answered an unsettled Mr. Ralphus. “Oh, I’m so sorry,” the manager corrected themselves. “That wasn’t on purpose. It’s just that ‘Ralphus’ and ‘Walrus’ sound so similar! I didn’t mean anything by it. Carry on, buddy, you’re doing great!” Mr. Ralphus heaved a sigh of relief, but he was still feeling disgruntled. He continued working, and by the time the other employees had arrived was already feeling better. He got up to get himself a muffin from the staff snack area. Today, they were blueberry flavored - his favorite. Yum! He was about to stuff it in his mouth, but was interrupted when his coworker, who was getting a coffee, called out to him. “Hey Mr. Ralphus, what does a walrus do in an office?” Mr. Ralphus’ muffin fell out of his hand from surprise and he chomped down on air. He gulped, though he had swallowed nothing. “It works to seal deals! Isn’t that funny?” The coworker laughed and raised a hand for a high-five. Mr. Ralphus wasn’t feeling up to it, but he chuckled feebly and returned the gesture. The rest of the day, Mr. Ralphus sat in his cubicle, typing away, but it just wasn’t the same anymore. He felt as if everyone was looking at him and pointing out his characteristics. He shuddered every time his name was called and his usual cheery attitude had vanished. He couldn’t take it anymore. With a flop and a roar, he got up and revealed his true identity. Ok, maybe I haven’t been a very good narrator. Perhaps I should’ve mentioned a rather important detail in Mr. Ralphus’ life. In truth, Mr. Ralphus was… a walrus! The other employees stared at him in surprise. The manager, who had heard the commotion from down the hall and had gone to see what was happening, stopped in their tracks as they witnessed the incomprehensible. Finally, after a minute, they broke the silence. “Why, Mr. Ralphus…” Mr. Ralphus bowed his head in sadness as he prepared himself to hear the worst - that he was fired. But the manager didn’t have that intention. “Why didn’t you just say so? Come here, ya big fellow, give us a hug!” The staff piled onto Mr. Ralphus in a huge, messy, heart-warming hug. Mr. Ralphus the Walrus smiled with joy. In the end, it hadn’t mattered to them what he was - just who he was as a person. And to him, all that mattered was that he could continue working the job he loved and that he was surrounded by friends that cared about him. The end :)