1. I will not poke Hufflepuff’s with spoons, nor will I insist that their house colors indicate that they are “covered in bees”. 2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class. 3. “I’ve heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood’s name” is not a challenge. 4. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball. 5. I will not use Umbridge’s quill to write “I told you I was hardcore”. 6. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw the Dark Mark on their arm. 7. House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers. 8. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this years DADA teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept. 9. Seamus Finnegan is not “after me Lucky Charms”. 9. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as”bookends”. 10. I will not refer to the Patil twins as “bookends”. 11. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class. 12. I am not a sloth Animagus. 13. I am not a tribble Aimagus. 14. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or a piranha. 15. I do not weigh the same as a duck. 16. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar. 17. I do not have a Dalek Patronus. 18. I will not lick Trevor. 19. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is. 20. The Ravenclaws are not “Mentals in training”. 21. Asking “How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?” is only funny the first time. 22. “42″ is not the answer to every question to the O.W.L.’s. 23. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously. 24. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters. 25. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter. 26. I will not draw an “H” on Percy Weasley’s forehead. 27. My name is not Captain Subtext. 28. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients and I will not resell their products as “Veela Pheremones”. 29. Professor Flitwick’s first name is not Yoda. 30. I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor. 31. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the result would be. 32. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled “Firewhiskey”. 33. First years are not to be fed to Fluffy. 34. A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become. 35. It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of Selsun Blue into Professor Snape’s personal postbox. 36. I will stop referring to Hufflepuff’s as “cannon fodder”. 37. I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class. 38. First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow. 39. Novelty or holiday themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform. 40. I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin house mascot. 41. When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I will not lift my wand skyward and shout “There can be only ONE!”. 42. I should not refer to DADA professors as “canaries in the coal mine”. 43. I will not say the phrase “Dude, get a life.” to Lord Voldemort. 44. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library. 45. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth house at Hogwarts. And I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder. 46. I will not refer to the Accio charm as “The Force”. 47. Albus Dumbledore’s proper title is “Headmaster”, not “My Liege”. 48. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I foresaw her death. 49. I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations. 50. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists. 51. If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling “It Does DEATH!!!” may be correct but it is not the manner in which one should answer. 52. I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here. 53. Ravenclaw’s do not find a sign saying “The library is closedi for an indefinite time period” amusing in any sense. 54. A time turner is not a flux capacitator, and I should therefore not install one in any Muggle cars. 55. I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors. 56. I will not charm Hermione’s time turner to rotate every half-hour. 57. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it. 58. I will not claim my X-Files tapes are “Auror Training Videos”. 59. When being interrogated by a member of the staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce “These are not the droids you are looking for”. 60. I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition.
61. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldermort 62. I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order just to see what happens. 63. I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts: A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins. 64. “OMGWTF” is not a spell. 65. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss. 66. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing. 67. I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbott and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles. 68. I will not cast the occasional Oblivate spell on Dumbledore, even if it would be amusing. 69. I am not allowed to give the Gryffindors Pixie Stix. 70. I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on who will come out alive. 71. I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they are real animals. 72. I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks. 73. I will not sing The Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches. 74. I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow. 75. I will not douse Harry Potter’s Invisibility Cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible wearing it and standing near the fire in the common room. 76. I will not tell first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic Transfiguration spell. 77. I will not yell “Believe it… or not!” after any of Dumbledore’s speeches. 78. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit. 79. My name is not “The Dark Lord Happy-Pants” and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such. 80. I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow Peeps. 81. I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling. 82. Voldemort is not Ganandorf, and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts. 83. I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rock series during Arithmancy exams. 84. I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of “Knights of the Round Table” for the Christmas feast. 85. I will not call Professor McGonagall “McGoogles”. 86. I am not allowed to make lightsaber sound with my wand. 87. I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween. 88. I will not wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT! shirt to school. 89. I am not allowed to reenact famous battles of the Revolutionary War in the charms corridor. 90. I am not allowed to declare an official Hug A Slytherin Day. 91. I am not allowed to introduce myself to the first years as Tim the Enchanter. 92. I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance into any classroom. 93. It is not necessary for me to yell “BAMF!” every time I Apparate. 94. I will not steal Gryffindor’s sword from Dumbledore’s office and use it to patrol the hallways. 95. I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways. 96. I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes”. 97. I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and refer to them as smurfs. 98. I will not organize a Hogwarts Fight Club. 99. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously. 100. I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God. 101. I will not dress up in a Dementor suit and use a Dustbuster on Harry’s lips to get him to do what I want. 102. I will not start food fights in the Great Hall. 103. I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book. 104. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is not an appropriote career choice. 105. I will not sing “We’re off to see the wizard” when sent to the Headmaster’s office. 106. It is not necessary to yell “Burn!” everytime Snape takes points from Gryffindor. 107. “Y’all check this-here thing out!” is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell. 108. I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout “I have the power!” 109. I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet. 110. I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have students yell “Ni” from various directions. 111. Getting everyone in the Great Hall to do the Time Warp will not earn me any house points . 112. I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his "time of the month" 113. When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout "To the Batmoblie, Robin!" 114. I will not call Dumbledore "Santa Claus" during the Christmas Holidays. 115. I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice. 116. I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro. 117. I am not to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy. 118. I am not the Wicked Witch of the West. Rest Inside Project;
