zanypaw angst get out bro</3 cw for religious themes/descriptions of panic. also this isn’t meant to offend anyone this is just zany being zany sighs enjoy ----- the moon shone brightly over shadowclan camp. I found myself acutely aware of just how bright it made it here. I knew it was nothing in comparison to harsh daylight. but all the same, the watchful stares of starclan only worsened the dreadful paranoia I felt. for as long as I’d been apart if this clan, I’ve been told stories of our starry ancestors looking out for us. through all our pain and suffering they… I frowned. were they looking out for us ..? of course they were, don’t be ridiculous, zanypaw. they were always watching, always waiting for a slip-up. always looking, judging cats by their deeds in order to keep the good separated from the evil. haha. how funny is that, dear zanypaw? how funny is it that despite the fact that you /know/ so well the many rules and conditions of joining the starry ranks, you still continue to lie and cheat? isn’t that just hilarious? you stupid cat. /really/, how could you have been so dumb? you worthless liar. you really aren’t a good cat. of course I’m not. I knew that. but I deserve to have this, I deserve what little control I can get. ..I deserve this. panic sets in. deep and pounding and dreadful and weighing down on my lungs until there’s hardly any air and I can’t breathe and— I deserve this. starclan knows what it’s doing. I have to trust it, and maybe, just maybe, it can trust me too when I look to join them. maybe if I accept enough punishment alongside it, my lying can be okay. I can have control in the living, and I can have that eternal bliss in my afterlife. so I take this discipline. I cry and I gasp at what little air I’m given and I press my body against the ground, desperate for starclan to decide I’ve had enough. but I take this. I’ve had enough. it rings through my ears like the cry of a great bird. I’ve had enough. over and over again, the words repeat until it’s all I can think. I can’t think. repeating, over and over endlessly, I can’t think of anything else, I can only think of those three words. I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough. the words are deafening now, blocking out my own gasps and sobs until it’s all that’s left of me. it’s the only thing I can think, the only thing I can breathe. those few words have in the span of a few simple minutes become all I know. all my training? forgotten. the lies? unimportant. starclan ..? … I’ve had enough. this is what I have decided. I have had enough. I am sick and tired of trying to follow these rules and trying to explain the inexplicable and trying to be a good cat when I know damn well I’m not. I’m a liar. I’m a cheat. this is what I am. and I’m sick of pretending like it’s not. I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve to suffer for not being up to the standards of a group of dead cats. who decided they were in charge, anyway? I hid my cries. I wiped my tears and I stood up, forcing air into my lungs until I could once more breathe normally. I didn’t deserve that. and if starclan was going to tell me I did, I didn’t need them. a certain sense of clarity rocked my brain for the first time in moons. I don’t recall ever feeling this /certain/ regarding anything. not even starclan. I stood taller now, it felt. the paranoia still flowed, but it ebbed. it had been minimized, my suffering lessened by something even greater than starclan. I was a liar. there was nothing I could do for that. but all my suffering… I’ve had enough.
local twink has panic attack, renounces cat gods more at 6
