i got the Dread again it really comes out of nowhere im doing my summer calculus even though i wanted to read draw write create live laugh love because i told myself that if i dont draw this summer i cant be sad during the school year when i have nothing creative done to show people and no time to do it because when i had the time to do it i didnt do it so even though i dont feel like drawing right now i guilt myself by saying i really definitely should but now its associated with all this weight and so somehow doing calculus is easier than drawing something that was supposed to be fun thats messed up and im not having fun i finished the math checked it off my to do list and it didnt make me feel better i thought it would make me feel better i thought it would free up some space in my head to breathe and not be responsible for two seconds but i didnt breathe instead i started thinking about the physics work on my floor pile and the reading and the meeting tomorrow and the jam-packed week of a supposedly care-free month reserved for relaxation and self care but what is the point if i cant do the self care and i go into senior year no better than i left junior year and so basically the dread didnt leave and its my own fault and i dont know how to fix it
