{ :( an Abaloneplight SRP } Abaloneplight - 63/64 moons. he/any. Accessories - metal beetle earring, right ear. TW for self-hatred and generally horrible mental health == == == Abaloneplight wanted out. He had to get out of here - his skin was too tight and his thoughts were - his thoughts - they were - they were too much of /everything/. But he couldn't. He refused to break yet another promise, even if this one was unspoken. Was it for him, or was it for Koidash? Well, it wasn't helping either of them. Abaloneplight's breathing was quick and heavy as he twisted in his makeshift nest, practically throwing himself onto his other side. He was facing the nursery now. He quickly turned back. Confining himself to camp for a whole moon had been a terrible idea. He had to get out. He couldn't get out. If there was one thing Abaloneplight could point to and say, 'there, that is the problem, change that', it would be himself. Abaloneplight had grown to despise himself this past moon. Always, a sense of awkwardness or weirdness or wrongness haunted him, and however much he tried to dispell it (and he had thought he had been doing so, so good recently) it always came back. Case in point: that fight with Koidash a moon ago. If his own mate couldn't handle him, who could? It was fair, of course. Abaloneplight knew he was too serious, too hard-working, too Code-focused, too stiff, too dismissive, too ... everything. But it was who he was, and Abaloneplight couldn't change. He couldn't. He could never. It was how he was born, and in fact ... he didn't want to change. He hated himself most for that. This sense of duty Abaloneplight felt at all moments of the day, every day - it was what he felt made him a good cat. Abaloneplight thought that survival was held up by the Clan was held up by the Code was held up by the Stars, and everything had tasks attached that needed to be fulfilled in order to keep the world running smoothly. Not only that, but he /liked/ putting in the work and seeing the fresh-kill pile larger, or the border safer, or the dens cleaner. Abaloneplight didn't want to ignore the feeling of obligation; he felt that fulfilling one's duties was the most righteous thing in the world. He hated that even after how upset Koidash had gotten he still didn't want to change. He hated that he hated that he didn't want to change. It was horrible for him to want to be able to abandon his duties. But, it also felt so, so wrong to continue on the path he was walking and continue hurting his mate over and over. Abaloneplight groaned and thrust his head into the sand. It didn't stop the maelstrom inside him, but it was something to do. He yanked his head out and thrust it back into the ground, letting it muffle his dry, heaving cries. He hated himself. He hated this world. Why couldn't he have just been born normal? == == == Well, there you have it folks. My second every SRP using Abaloneplight. There are some points I want to mention that I didn't know how to fit into the SRP, so I'll put them here. Maybe I'll write a separate SRP for these ideas later, but for now they can live here. Abaloneplight hates himself, but he also largely blames fate ("how he was born"). He also blames the Honorable and All-Seeing Prophet of the Stars, whom he strongly associates with StarClan, and hopes to avoid both in the future, though he still generally believes in their good will. Abaloneplight is also still very much in love with Koidash, but doesn't know how to go about healthily working through ... everything { Goodbye } Written/drawn by Koidash owned + designed by
