stupid vent thing uh

Instructions

no tq right now because i'm on my ipad and i don't feel like doing it anyway how are we feeling on this fine thursday i'm currently shutting myself in my room trying to hide from my parents </3 so basically going on tumblr and trying to find an lgbtq+ community that i could join was a terrible decision because that got flagged on my phone so my mom saw it !!!! yay !! i just went downstairs to ask my mom to unpause my phone (she paused it because she got mad at me breifly before for the gay stuff but never fully yelled at me or talked to me) bc i was playing roblox over a call with one of my friends but both of my parents decided it would be an amazing time to corner me in the kitchen and try to have the whole "this gay stuff is wrong and weird you're just confused your friends are weird maybe you shouldn't talk to them" talk that they've given me a million times (mostly just my mom but whatever) and ohmygosh. that felt terrible and it was horrifically awkward i just brushed it off as "jeez okay fine" grabbed my wicked book and my sketchbook from my backpack and ran back to my bedroom as fast as i could to try to hide the fact that i was on the verge of a breakdown (mind you my friend was on a call with me on my phone so she heard the ENTIRE thing) now i feel awful and i want to cry sososo bad but i'm trying not to because as i said before i'm talking to my friend right now so. god i wish i could just fit in and be normal like how they want me to be and not be "weird" hrrghjk i should not feel unsafe in my own home </3 i have much more feelings but i don't know how to describe them or if they're even site appropriate also while we're on the topic of recent homophobic experiences i've had that are making me feel super sad i have one from a sleepover for one of my friends from like two weeks ago !!! this was for my friends birthday and i had lots of fun we did a bunch of silly fun little things however. it had reached a point in the night where it was just me, my friend, and two other girls i didn't really know (they were her neighbor and a friend from church, i'm just gonna call them lemon and orange for the sake of shortening this heh) so my friend and orange randomly started talking about the bible and stuff and how "the rapture is coming!! repent to god!!" or whatever which kinda scared me (religion tends to do that to me sometimes) but me and lemon were taking it with a grain of salt because we both aren't religious and were being stupid and silly about it until my friend was randomly like "yeah i THOUGHT i was pansexual which i learned was WRONG and i found god" which made me feel even more uncomfortable and slightly unsafe and then the conversation just got like....weirdly homophobic/transphobic like lemon started asking my friend "oh what about the people who change their genders and think they're a boy or a girl" and other things i can't remember... okay real quick for a bit of context for this next part i'm about to type i used to be super out and comfortable with my sexuality around my friends about two years ago and i was friends with my friend whose birthday it was around that time. and then she just said "i'm not saying that being gay and stuff is wrong because like i know emm is pansexual" SHE OUTED ME. IN FRONT OF TWO PEOPLE THAT I HARDLY KNEW. IN FRONT OF TWO PEOPLE THAT I HAD MET THAT DAY. SHE TOLD THEM ABOUT ME BEING GAY WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. orange asked what that was and my friend told her (she gave the right description of being pansexual so i can't be that made i guess) and after that orange gave me a weird look/glare and i felt very unsafe and uncomfortable for the entire time after that !!!! huzzah !!! i actually wanted to cry so badly it's not even funny </3 (again not providing that much description of my emotions bc idk how to word it also it's probably not that website appropriate) holy yap is it obvious that i just bottle up my emotions instead of actually doing anything about it (slightly unrelated but what if i told you that i may or may not have lied multiple times on the mental health evaluation thing when i went to the doctors gulp)