the picture is the most random one found in my gallery. anyway i did this project because i have some things in my head and i wanted to let them out. so i think i might have depression because i'm apathetic (i have a lack of interest, emotional reactions and motivation to events, both positive and negative, to life and daily activities, accompanied by a sense of emptiness (i love google)) and i have anhedonia (inability to experience pleasure or interest in activities that were once a source of gratification). yes i self-diagnosed them because the symptoms are too strong. so i rarely have the desire to do anything, but i'm still in my parents' house and they don't like this situation! i mean, i didn't talk about being depressed and they think i'm just lazy. (i mean...) so my father always scolds me and once he was very pissed off and told me that i'm a disgrace aand i went in my room to cry or he would have mocked me. i hate myself for this thing that i can't get anything done. aashfwajjklghhiloprrsxzarfjklmnzne alright i wanted to talk about something else too, but this one is a bit more triggering, so if you're sensitive don't read thanks, i've already made too many people uncomfortable. so some months ago.. maybe one year ago, my cousin who's six years younger than me randomly started to touch my. my back. i was mad but deep down i enjoyed it. okay, i thought, if it's just this once, it's okay. but then here he is again, trying to touch me. i get a certain pleasure from it, you know what? i'm not even angry anymore, I'm all for you. i wear tight clothes! shorts! anything to make your job easier. i lift my skirt! i get on the swing a little bit out and ask you to push me! everything great until you realize that this thing is not normal! why do i have intrusive thoughts about him to touch me? abuse me? pfui it's his fault, if he hadn't started then i wouldn't have had these thoughts. i can't block my thoughts, but they're my thoughts, generated by my fantasies, my fantasies, so i'd say it's a bit of both sides' fault. but this still doesn't solve the problem! i don't know what to do anymore i'll curl up in a corner and read yuri
