Some days feel like I am chained to this wretched place. At this moment I feel like crying,, even on meds my emotions can best that. Right now I am failing school,, like,, horribly.. I can't do well, can't catch up, and it's all my fault. As you know I made some dumb and poor decisions these past few weeks and going away from school shouldn't have been as tough as it should have been coming back but I was already falling behind and struggling and now I am drowning in school work.. constant stress is getting to me and it's gotten to the point where I have accepted failing this year for 2 of my classes.. I get bullied constantly and I feel like an outcast,, I don't have any emotional support really apart from a few people and even then I only get those people for a few hours and such and once I go away from them all the problems start.. I don't have my phone or computer so I can't even calm myself down and distract myself by playing a game or talking to someone I care about who cares for me,, it's lonesome.. I only have myself. I feel horrible,,, I'm trying my best to make good decisions but I just can't.. I promised Mer last night that I would stay up and call her earlier tonight but my alarm turned off and when I woke up at 4 I couldn't do anything but cry for 3 hours until I went to sleep for another hour and then woke up for the day. I keep struggling to talk to people about anything and I can't even be honest on scratch with what's going on with myself [dumb moderation].. Rounding back up to the topic. I won't be passing this year, at all. I have to move in a few months and by that time it's a brand new school, brand new faces, brand new people. I'm begging to go into a homeschool program or 100% online school but my mom says I am not responsible enough because I can't get the work done now. She doesn't care when I complain about bullies, my mental health, or how I legit been in and out of different hospitals for a while and yet,,, expected to do everything and not complain or show any emotion whatsoever. I don't know how I am going to explain my thoughts,, emotions,, how I can't keep doing this.. I tried already and she said the school I want to go to isn't an option,, because I'm not responsible.. I'm trying mom,, I really am. Please just see that I can't do it here.. I know I complain all the time but please.. I'm not the smartest,, nor the brightest,, nor the coolest,, nor the most popular.. I'm just someone here. I would say I am going to be trying to focus on myself but,, that's too difficult now. My parents put everything else before me, always. And yet,,, all any other adult says is "Azzy, you're being disrespectful just because your parents said no to something you want." but that's not what I am trying to say.. My parents love blaming my outbursts on things that don't even relate. ex. earlier I completely blew a lid this morning complaining about school and how I hate it here [bullies, teachers not actually helping much, my own thoughts on it, people here, etc.] and she said this "Are you having this outburst because I gave you too much freedom yesterday? Is it because I let you hang out with your girlfriend? I seem to see a pattern with this bud." and I wanted to just,, jump off the freaking golf-cart we were on and just walk home and lock myself in my room. It's always something else,, never what I say.. Blame everything else in life but me and when it isn't my fault.. blame me. Maybe I am such a loser for having a ton of vent projects and nothing exciting or useful to others.. I hate this all I hate it. To those of you who you shall know,, you guys are amazing.. I thank you for the never ending support and love I get from you guys,, you'll probably see this.. and confront me about it- and I shall be willing to explain. I do not know what to do right now,, I do not know how to do anything but.. I have you all to help guide me through this and to talk to me. I thank and love all of you.. thank you <3 Anyways I'll be online mostly throughout today,, if you need anything just.. talk to me. Anyways this has been the random Azzy rant of the week and happy spooky month.
