What have you done.... {vent}

Instructions

"Am I a bad person?", you ask yourself every day. You ponder on things you've done, wondering if what you did was right or wrong, selfish or well intended... "Do you regret what you've done?" voices say as they taunt you with never ending, overwhelming guilt. you still remember your last words before you left them; helpless, endangered, lonely, hurt. YOU chose her over them. Oh, for how your heart aches as you watch everything slip away from you. You only went with her because you loved her more than you wanted to protect them. She left you too; helpless, lonely, hurt, Just like them... Now you have nobody, just yourself, alone. The voices taunt you as your sanity slips away. They pick at the soft and sensitive parts; eating away at you slowly... Pretty soon you're hanging by a thread, walking on eggshells, barely keeping your head above water trying to survive. You want to give up, you want to give out. You are exhausted every single day, mentally drained, depressed, tired, anxious. Despite how she treated you, you still miss her. And then you crave something that once scared, and hurt you. You remember the way he treated you terribly, yet you felt special somehow, wanting it so bad even though it was terrible for you. You think she pretended not to know about you and "him." Despite the fact you love her, it made you angry. It grew a small burning pit of hatred for her, but how can you hate her??? You get guilt just for hating her. You are a mix of emotions about everything that happened to you. You sometimes doubt what happened to you actually happened. You don't know what reality is anymore. You attach yourself to people to try and forget and get away from your mind. It doesn't help because your paranoia that they will leave you gets in the way, ruining a perfectly good relationship that it once was. You find yourself attaching to all the wrong people. You find yourself in deeper despair then ever before, then you wonder "If I were gone, would anyone notice?" You look for a sign that you are wanted but to no avail. You finally give in. You try very hard to disappear, attempt, after attempt, after attempt. Every single time you end up in the hospital, alive, here. When you get home, you just bed rot for weeks at a time. You think to yourself, "what's the point..." You lie there for hours, never getting up, but only to use the bathroom. You're done with everything... You don't do anything, you don't go anywhere, and you don't meet anyone. You spend most days in your room never to be seen again...