Song - "Diary of Jane (acoustic)" - Breaking Benjamin ^my vent song rn^ --- OK SO LIKE, I FORGOT MY PASSWORD... and during that time I've gotten a lot better. I'm too lazy to erase my story so it's staying up lol X,D --- I have it great. I have a good family, good friends, good education... Nothing to complain about, yet something always bothers me. Something people would tell me I'm too young to feel. Something that i want so bad. Something i don't think i can ever have for long. About 5 or 6 years ago, i met this girl who soon became my best friend. I felt a lot of... Something i didn't understand at the time. At first, i thought it was just some extra feeling you get along with really good friends. I accepted that as the answer for 2 years, until that feeling became stronger. I decided to look more into it. I quickly discovered something i didn't expect. i was in love with her. i told her pretty soon after that, and we got together. it was wonderful. then we broke up after three days. we were afraid that if her parents found out that we'd never get to see each other again. a few months later, she got a boyfriend. i was happy for her, but i hid my jealousy and hurt. i soon met a guy that was super sweet and got with him... but i didn't feel much anything more than friendship towards him. it took me a year to break up with him because i was afraid to hurt him. after a few months, i met another girl who sparked an old feeling i thought i lost 2 years before. she asked me out, and i said yes. a couple weeks later... she broke up with me. i expected it because of what she's gone through, but i couldn't help but feel... empty afterwards. that night, i had cried myself to sleep, trying to figure out what to do. i didn't try to keep her, i just... accepted it. it reminded me of the first girl i fell in love with. i just didn't try to fight for it. i wanted to make both of them feel happy, but does it always have to be at the cost of my own desires? do i have to be so refusing of selfishness that i hurt myself? i don't talk to my parents about it. they'll just say "you're only 15, it's just a phase. you'll get over it soon." if it's a phase, then why can't i stop thinking about it? why do i want to cry every time i see the girl i first fell for? am i just not allowed to have the things i actually want, or am i not trying hard enough? I've seen her hurt. I've comforted her when she cried. I've held her so close and didn't want to let go. but i just accepted everything and took the weight of watching her be held by others. to break up, then find someone else. i just want to hold her again, tell her it's going to be ok, shower her with affection. so many things go my way in life. i have it good. i smile in public. i forget things, but i try hard anyway. i have a good family, good friends, good education... but the one thing i really want is something i might never have again. --- I don't really want any pity. I just feel comfortable venting here. I know there's never really an excuse to be unreasonably cranky, but this is my reason for if I ever seem to snap at anyone or suddenly become abnormally pessimistic. --- i am feeling a little better now, it's just slow.
