a letter from me to you - @coinpinned i've been thinking about leaving. not in an impulsive way. in a practical way. before you decide what kind of person that makes me, just know i thought about it longer than anyone ever thought about asking how i was doing. i don’t think i belong here. not because i’m misunderstood or hurt or secretly special. i just don’t see the point of staying somewhere that requires this much pretending. every day is just acting i'm okay. the worst part? people accept it instantly. that was meant to be comforting. it wasn't. everyone around me feels aggressively stupid. not loud-stupid or cruel-stupid. it's just an observation. they talk constantly, worry about nothing, and mistake noise for sound. i learned a long time ago that if i nodded at the right moments, no one noticed i wasn't even there. sometimes i wonder if this makes me narcissistic. like maybe i’m the problem for for noticing how unbearable it is to be surrounded by people who never shut up and never say anything. maybe this is just what happens when someone notices how pointless everything is and doesn’t bother lying to themselves about it. if that’s true, then that’s fine. it’s not something i’m interested in fixing. you'd probably say i could've talked to someone. or that i could've talked to you. but i didn't see the point. talking is just describing the problem until you sound ungrateful or dramatic or broken. i haven’t decided where i’d go yet. just somewhere i’m not expected to react correctly or care convincingly. somewhere being quiet doesn’t turn into a personality flaw. i don’t know when i’ll go. i just know i don’t plan on staying long enough to start lying about this again.
