13 october 2025 . i sit and stare. it is not that i cannot move but that i forget to. memories pass by like cinema. when will the movie end? and i become aware that it will not. i will only gain the ability to pause the film for longer than the previous, until i can go months without having to watch. and i long for that time. and that time laughs from a distance. i consider trying to fit myself back into the moving pattern of life. but i cannot find my place. i must make a place for myself. and suddenly this becomes daunting. impossible, even. nothing i can do as i stand frozen on the tile, hardly aware of what lives and breathes around me. only aware of what doesn't. i wish to eat, to sing, to laugh without worthy cause. but i hunger not. i loathe music. i find no happiness. laughter only comes as a distraction. nothing comes /but/ as a distraction. and perhaps it is better that way. and i find myself questioning whether everything becomes a distraction, from now until the end? and i unfreeze. and i carry on. and my heart writhes, but it will survive. it will go on beating. it will carry the memories. it will learn to hide them when they are too much. it will show them when they become a comfort. but oh, oh, the pain of the morning after.
